Fragmentary remains from the “Diary of a Teenage Caveman”

I.

Long ago, Fred and Barney made a plan with Mister Slate to create something new. Something that people would talk about long after their teeth were broken on the rocks. They made a plan to create a sound that would crush bones and give the gods something to think about. Something to fear. Something to keep them awake at night as if one night the Sun went away but this time did not return.

They were young and it was a long time ago, that is why they called it Teenage Caveman. And when they created this Teenage Caveman, they laughed in triumph. Not the foolish and weak laughter of women and children. But the haughty laugh of the demiurge in the act of accomplishment which stops the animals in their tracks and causes the women to take heed.

II.

Fred was swallowed by the giant lizard and Barney and Mister Slate consulted the vulture who was a sorcerer. The vulture and his brother the Toad, made an offering to the lizard of fish and tobacco. Barney told Fred to smoke the fish and eat the tobacco for thirty days and thirty nights and on the thirtieth day when the lizard vomited, Fred returned to the land of the living from the land of darkness and despair. This is how Teenage Caveman discovered fire.

But the toad stole the embers by hiding them in his mouth and ran away with them into the forest, with the help of a tapir and they were never seen again. And the world was again without the fire.

Mister Slate changed himself into a bird and it is from him that all birds are descendents.

III.

Teenage Caveman discovered a new sound which made other bands sound stupid and weak. Other bands are weak and know nothing and they are foolish to try. Not like Teenage Caveman who knows everything. Teenage Caveman crushes other bands and makes them whither and blow away like dust and leaves.

Fred and Barney and Mister Slate clubbed to death the Mastodon which knows nothing about rock, and the Thunder Lizard is a coward and runs away at their sight. And Early Man, they cut off his big head and scrape and polish his skull and inside his skull, they make their music. And with his big teeth, they make keys. And with his skin they make drums. And his hair is now strings... [remainder illegible]