the ben kultgen band is just benjamin kultgen these days. though at times it has included some much more incredible musicians than benjamin, namely: brad shapiro, miguel perez, ale guiliani, addison maupin, willy rodriguez, and johnny duke.
as artist bios are usually nauseatingly formulaic this one is going to take the bullet chronology approach, which to my knowledge was pioneered by david r. rohr.
Benajmin Kultgen (a chronology)
Ages 1-3: i don't remember much, but according to reputable 19th century psychoanalysts, i was obsessed with my mouth and my anus during this time.
Age 4: my mother places a "just say no to drugs" sticker on my three-wheeler, in vain hopes that i would -- being illiterate at the time -- somehow inculcate this maxim through sheer peddling.
Age 5: become paralyzed by a fear of blue aliens after watching the 92nd episode of star trek: the next generation, entitled "identity crisis". http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Identity_Crisis_(Star_Trek:_The_Next_Generation) in case you are wondering, i have only been able to watch this episode once since its premier on March 25, 1991.
Age 6: i move from the rectangular state of kansas, to the slightly more square, but still rectangular state of CO.
Age 7: megaman 5 is pretty much rocking my world. still.
Age 8: i am placed in an "experiential learning" 2nd grade class. i spend the year lying about all the reading and math i am doing on my own, while i devote myself wholeheartedly to making X-Men comic books and dissecting limbs i make out of clay. the teacher routinely brings in other teachers to show them what i am doing while she says "its just genius."
Age 9: encircled by my peers, i kiss my "girlfriend" on the woodmen-roberts elementary play ground. by the screams and shouts of the onlookers, i can only deduce it was a traumatic event for all those involved.
Age 10: i take up viola as an homage to lt. commander data of star trek: the next generation. i am also continuing my tradition of NOT getting my ass deservedly kicked for doing things like taking up the viola in homage to lt. commander data of
star trek: the next generation.
Age 11: i enter middle school and begin what can only be described three years of institutionalized suffering and awkwardness.
Age 12: see age 11.
Age 13: see age 12.
Age 14: i begin playing guitar in the hopes that someday it will make me cool and desirable to members of the opposite sex.
Age 15: i believe i was pretty much just a smart ass at this point. although when i crap my pants at lacrosse camp that summer i am given a good reality check.
Age 16: a 1994 burgundy toyota camry changes my life.
Age 17: i begin to write songs and sing in the hopes that it will make me cool and desirable to the opposite sex.
Age 18: a crushing demoralization sets in as a girl breaks my heart real real bad. i write about 10 songs relating to this incident.
Age 19: my freshman year college roommate and i create a fake band "no but i've heard of them" and proceed to write only 2.5 songs. they are however, the best 2.5 dance songs you will ever hear in your life. www.myspace.com/nobutiveheardofthem
Age 20: some other girl breaks my heart. i only write 2 songs about her.
Age 21: david rohr and i sing karaoke at the powder house pub 16 weeks in a row this summer. i sing billie jean 15 out of 16 weeks.
Age 22: i graduate from harvard with a degree in philosophy, condemning myself to a life of sarcastically answering the question "so what do you do with that?" well, i'll tell you what you do with a harvard philosophy degree. you go be a rock star.
Age 23: my band, the ben kultgen band, comes in second place at the Rollingstone and Veritas Records Rockus College Battle of Bands. we lose to a band called "Sex!" and (spoiler alert) they are a bunch of mean dudes who play the kind of music that you like when your drunk but cannot bring yourself to remember or care about otherwise. (further spoiler alert) i'm still obviously bitter over losing to a band called "Sex!" who are a bunch of mean dudes who play the kind of music that you like when your drunk but cannot bring yourself to remember or care about otherwise.
Age 23.5: having succumb to recession woes of all kinds, i move back in with my parents in CO. i'm still scared to death of the 92nd episode of star trek: the next generation, still writing songs in the hopes that members of the opposite sex will find me cool and desirable, though i eat and sleep much better now.
Age 24: well maybe you can help me out with this one?
