The Early Years
It all started in 1997, when early demos of the Scott Rhoades-penned songs "Oatmeal" and "I Don't Wanna Get Out Of Bed" surfaced in London's underground porn clubs. Francis Greene, an active participant in that scene, was enthralled by the songs and wanted to ride on Scott's coattails, so he blackmailed Scott into forming a band with him.
Within weeks of their starting the greatest supergroup since Jimmy Osmond and the Princes of Disco, rumors began to fly that these early Rhoades/Greene demos were actually long-lost recordings by the almost-as-good Brian Wilson. To add fuel to the rumors, several of the songs appeared on a Wilson bootleg called "Brian Is Dumb."
When confronted with the rumors, Francis said, "We don't know how these things get started. Ask Klaatu. They'll tell you about rumors. And while you're asking them, ask them about that fiver they owe me."
Scott remained mum.
To try to quell the rumors, Rhoades and Greene hastily assembled the demos into a CD and released it as "Here, Hear What We've Done." The label planned to release the CD under the name Wrian Bilson, but, afraid this name would create some confusion, the boys huddles and quickly came up with a name of their own: The Bicycle Riders. The name was Francis's idea. He chose it because he thought Scott looked absolutely smashing in bicycle shorts.
Scott remained, modestly, mum.
When copies of the CD began to fly out the doors of record shops around the world, and out many windows, too, resulting in several gaping wounds and a few lawsuits (a harbinger of things to come, to be sure), the Bicycle Riders decided it was time to get serious, buckle down, and make some money to cover their legal expenses.
The legal systems in both the U.S. and the U.K. celebrated. Francis took his first steps into media whoredom while Scott, as usual, remained mum.
Francis's mum also spoke out, saying, "I've always liked that boy, Scott. Such a cute young man. My Francis could learn a thing or two from him and I wish he would let me tell you." This led to her first book deal, for the best-selling "I Know I Should Have Spanked Him More," which made an awful lot of money for the lawyers.
Philo-Vision
It was around this time that Scott invented his famous recording technique, Philo-Vision Stereo, a very interesting process that is so brilliant, so incredibly fascinating, and so amazingly technical, that nobody understands it, so there's really no point in trying to explain it here.
The important thing is, he wanted to show off his new technology, so he formed Philo-Vision Records and the Bicycle Riders pushed their way through Scott's adoring fans and back into the studio.
The resulting work, "Fame Ain't Spoiled Us" (or, as it appeared on a few million early pressings, "Fame Ain't Soiled Us") rocketed the duo to new horizons in 1998. Their first world tour of Finland started, and the lawyers became very happy and very rich.
Francis's mum wrote a new biography, "Forget the First Book, This is What I Really Meant to Say." Initial sales were brisk on rumors that there was a nearly nude picture of Scott inside, but dropped to nearly nothing when the photo turned out to be of Francis.
It was time to go back to the studio.
Fame, Fortune, Girls, and Lawsuits
"Fame Ain't Spoiled Us" was a huge success and led to the busiest time in the careers of the Bicycle Riders and their legal teams.
In early 1999, the Riders released "Landlocked," a long-lost collection of Scott Rhoades recordings. The album shot up the charts, but most were returned to the record shops. Distraught fans were crushed when they discovered that Francis had wiped Scott's original vocals and replaced them with his own. The album quickly sank into oblivion.
For once, Francis remained mum. So did Scott, though he also secretly released recordings of his original versions of the songs to hungry public, who snapped them up and made those recordings one of the hottest bootlegs in history.
Francis sued. Scott countersued. And they went back into the studio to record their landmark album, "Koko Palikoko," so that they could once again pay their lawyers.
"Koko Palikoko" was a massive hit, thanks to revolutionary improvements in the Philo-Vision machinery and Bessie, a nanny goat who drove the U.K. Fair circuits wild with her rendition of "Who Hit Nelly In The Belly With A Flounder." Fans and critics alike were wowed by the goat's uncanny similarity to Francis Greene in tone and expression.
Fans grumbled, though, when they discovered that, for the first time, Francis worked with other lyricists on a couple of the "Koko Palikoko" songs. Scott held a press conference to explain, but Francis pulled the plug and so as far as anybody could tell, Scott remained mum.
1999 closed with more lawsuits after Francis secretly released a greatest hits package, "Dumber In Paradise," which sold well throughout the UK, made Francis enough money to pay his mum to supress her third book, "The True Parentage of Francis Greene," and remained undiscovered by Scott until mid 2007, when he decided to start this MySpace page in an attempt to make enough to sue Francis for his share of the "Dumber In Paradise" profits.
New Heights
As 1999 wound down, word circulated of a new, progressive, artistic project about space that Scott had in the works. Recording went slowly, however, because the Philo-Vision Stereo system had to be enhanced to accommodate Scott's new ideas.
The public was stunned by the new CD. "The Orbits," a rock opera about a man from an alien galaxy who explored our solar system, looking for the elusive mineral Qualladium. Critics raved. Fans cheered. Girls swooned whenever Scott walked into the room.
Francis quickly regained the attention by hurriedly releasing another album. It wasn't a masterpiece, but rather "Sunny Down Snuff," another CD that followed the Bicycle Riders formula. The initial disappointment gave way to delight, however, as the CD gave a Riders-crazed public a bunch of creative new songs by Scott Rhoades.
Francis crowed in all the industry papers as his hand-chosen single, "Little Robin Reliant" backed with "It's Hard To Surf On Lake Erie" became a double-sided smash, despite minimal involvement by Scott, who only contributed a small part of the lyrics to the B side.
Scott, hurt by the impact "Sunny Down Snuff" had on sales of "The Orbits," retreated to Acapulco, forgetting that he had been arrested there in 1998 and was forever barred from the city. So he was arrested again, at the insistence of a pretty little Mexican daughter of a prison warden, and held for months, not entirely against his will.
The End
Scott's detainment gave Francis the opening he needed to finally wrest control of the band away from his more creative bandmate. He brought in several new songwriting partners and began his questionable relationship with Derek Posner. England's papers were plastered with headlines referring to Francis and his "sugar daddy," but Scott remained in Mexico while Francis went into the studio.
The resulting album was rejected because it didn't contain any Scott Rhoades compositions. Francis had a nervous breakdown. There would not be a new Bicycle Riders CD until 2002, when a few new songs and several unreleased old songs came out under the title "Too Cool Shorts."
"Too Cool Shorts" would have been considered a success by most bands, but it failed to do as well as previous Bicycle Riders CDs had done. Critics blamed Scott, who had gone into seclusion and spend more time dallying with various literary projects than he did writing songs. The lawyers hovered and the band's coffers emptied.
In 2003, Francis repackaged his earlier rejected album and added four previously unreleased Scott Rhoades compositions. Released as "Surrey With Fringe," this CD had moderate success, buoyed by Scott's haunting "Long Time No Sea," which became the band's last single and a coda to career that had burned so brightly only to dissolve almost as quickly as it had started.
And So...
And so the Bicycle Riders ceased to be.
In October 2005, Scott and Francis reunited for one brief gig in the back room of an English pub. This reunion nearly didn't happen when Francis showed up with Derek Posner, but Scott hooked Posner up with Francis's mum and the old man quickly vanished. Though the women in the audience still went wild for Scott, the show was barely noticed. Rumors that the recording of that show would be released have so far failed to prove true.
As for another reunion, both Riders claim that's up to the lawyers. In the meantime, Scott remains mum, working on various novels and Francis has embarked on a new career as a nude model for humorous greeting cards. Francis's mum is now Mrs. Posner, and says she's far too happy to darken her life again by dredging up more material for another book about her alleged son.
There are dozens of unreleased Bicycle Riders songs. One can only hope that, someday, they will surface so the world can be thrilled by more of this legendary band's beautiful music.
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