Born February 16, 1986 in Rio Grande City, Texas. Moved at 18. Moved back to Texas months later. Went to college. Played a lot of video games and went to the gym a lot there. Spent a lot of time in Mexico and developed an addiction to pretty women. Worked as a security guard at a night club and saw a dude get stabbed in the chest and die. Got paid $7/hr. to watch that. Met a cool girl. Dated for a long while. Then accidentally emailed her pictures of me in a 3-way with girls that weren’t her. We broke up. I didn’t care at first. Worked at another night club and got to see an orgy in the sex room. I started practicing stand-up. Waited tables for 2 years. Quit after I fought a dude in the bathroom. Maybe, got fired. Started doing experimental drug studies for money and made part of my beard fall off. It’s growing back now. Dated another really cool girl, but she wanted kids I couldn’t have yet. Didn’t mean I didn’t want them. My profession does not supply an easy life for a family. Took to hydrocodone. Stopped drinking coffee and started on Ritalin because it was kinder on my kidneys. Started traveling and started to stress out over it and took to even more hydrocodone. That was not at all kind to my kidneys. My desk looks like a budget pharmacy. But, not so much now because I no longer have insurance because I have opted for more schooling and my income has plummeted. Somewhere in there, went out with a crazy chick that was boning my upstairs neighbors when I was out. She also thought she could speak to my dead goldfish. I think it would have been a cooler story if she thought the dead fish told her to get railed by the guys upstairs. They were having a HALO party at the time. I think that would have been cool if the guys were wearing replica Master Chief helmets while they were pounding her. I like Call of Duty: Modern Warfare the best. I have the sexual appetite of a brain damaged teenager.
Website
fernandonow.com isn't up yet but if I did get it for a few bucks
Influences
An anger problem. Ethyl Alcohol. Methylphenidate. Codeine. Hunger. Age.
TV Shows
Won 2nd place in a costume contest 8 years ago in McAllen, Texas and appeared on a Spanish Network Television Network for a few seconds as "Evil Janitor;" a costume I fashioned from a mop, a squeegee, and some rags.
Fernando Martinez's Interests
General
I love hanging out in Mexico =D
Music
I don't love/hate, have a preference for/or against any particular genre of music. I'll listen to anything =)
Television
I have cable at home, but I always just watch TV online. It's free (kinda), and you get to pick when you watch it. I also recommend buying your movies and TV shows on itunes because it's way less expensive than buying it at any store, that is, if you have to buy it. I think saving money is very important and spending money, when you don't have to, is generally unwise.
Books
After over 20 years of being in school, I tend to avoid books and lean towards other means of information delivery. Although, books seem an unavoidable evil.
Fernando Martinez's Details
Status:
Single
Body type:
6' 0"
Zodiac Sign:
Aquarius
Children:
Someday
Education:
Grad / professional school
Occupation:
Comedian/Actor Actor/Comedian
Fernando Martinez's Companies
Lab Rat Internets, Tx US Boss Cheese Freelance Everything
About me: Testing Audio
I'm back in Texas. Living in motels isn't for me. I keep canned food in the back seat of my car to save money when I travel. My car has over 200,000 miles on it. It leaks oil. It almost stranded me in Minnesota. Codeine mellows me out when I have to travel. I hate driving long distances. When I air travel, I tend to drink a lot. When I don't have to travel, I like going to an MMA gym in San Antonio because I mellow out when my body is hurt. I asked my doctor for Ritalin, instead he put me on Zoloft, that I gave away because I couldn't think on it. I had/have an problem with anger. Probably reinforced by the fact that it might have gotten things done. Or, at least, forced people away while I thought about what to do next. If you meet me in person, I tend to keep the fact that I'm a comedian and my education to myself. I keep the comedian part quiet because I'm expected to say subjectively funny things that are either racist, generally insulting, or other easy targets, in everyday conversation and I feel that after spending thousands of hours of practice in joke writing, I am better than that; doesn't mean I don't do it, it's just bad practice. I dropped out of college in my last semester after I got accepted into a graduate program, but that's in the past. I think I'm too old to go back now, anyway. My friends growing up, from college, and from my home area, have all either gotten married, disappeared, died, or gotten deported. I think I should win a prize. I date a lot of losers. One girl did a lot of cocaine and wrecked my car. Another, just did a lot of cocaine. Another, was seeing some short goofy dude that had no job or a car, on the side, but he had lots of free time. Another went off on me after her dog attacked me. Small dogs freak me out. Another went off on me because I wanted to stop seeing her after some other dude knocked her up. Another got knocked up and didn’t know who the father was, but had it narrowed down to 6 guys; I wasn’t one of the 6. One had a gambling problem, but she was cool. Another threatened to kill me after I broke up with her. I moved and told nobody she knew, that I knew, where. I adored my last girlfriend, but I had nightmares of losing a job I hated after having a daughter that didn't exist. I have a facebook page somewhere, too, and if you find it, and let me know/add it, I'll get you a free download of my CD that I haven't even named yet, and from my understanding, is of higher quality than any comedy CD in the universe... that is if you're into jokes about transvestites, how cool I am, and hearing about all the money I make. I also cannot stand the idea of working for somebody that is not me; the last time I was anybody's employee was over 2 years ago. The prospect of a 9-5 let me differentiate between depression and despair, worsened by the lack of health insurance, and inability to make money while enrolled at a college that manages to make me feel rich just because I can afford to get myself a coffee every morning. While at said college, people talk about being able to get jobs after graduation: I want no such thing. A steady job leads to complacency. Complacency to boredom. Boredom to Novel Stimuli. Novel Stimuli to financial debt. Financial Debt to Steady Job. Steady Job to Complacency. Complacency to boredom... Although, my scorched earth approach to life is not the least stressful way to live. It's actually quite stressful, but that's the only way I know. I'm also not dead or in debt, and if the economy crashes and people lose their cars, houses and their children starve, I still lose nothing. So that might account for something... maybe. Despite that, I still envy the people that are happy with a regular job. When I was younger, my biggest handicap was my temper =/
