Current mood:
depressed
i had to give up something without giving it a chance.
i was left alone by someone i thought would be around for years.
and now
i've lost someone i've seen as a second father since i was 3.
my cousins carolyn and cathy soltes lost their father on sunday, march 20th... it's only tuesday and i feel like a month has passed. i haven't had a moment to stop and grieve by myself since i woke up on sunday. we had gone straight to the hospital since we got the phone call from uncle steve saying that uncle leo was gone. i'm glad he was with the whole fam on saturday night... in such a good mood... i'm glad i had the chance to say good bye to him on sunday at the hospital... even if he was gone already i'm glad i didn't have to wait another week to see him...
see our father's are like best friends... well more like brothers. everyone knew they'd always debate issues anything from politics to parenting to the military to the community... but they loved it. only because nobody argues with them the way they can with each other. you know how that is... the friends that can be blunt with you and tell it like it is are the ones you know will be your friends for life. we aren't even blood related but this family has been a part of my life far more than most of my blood relatives. carolyn's been like a little sister to me and cathy's been like a slightly older sister- one that's only like a year older haha... old enough to respect her like an elder but not old enough for you to not be able to relate to...
and you know... they've been everywhere with us... we met them when we were first stationed in san diego... separated when we moved to guam but met up with them again in okinawa, where we were all together for almost 4 years. even though we separated again when we moved to the philippines they'd still visit us. then we saw each other again when my family moved back to cali and they were living in the bay... only for all of us to end up in san diego again. uncle leo and i even worked together for the charter school and served on the executive board for the bicol club when he was president and i was secretary while my dad was stationed on the east coast. we all knew i couldn't be on the board if my dad was president bec that's just too much drama. haha... when my dad and i couldn't see eye to eye i was always able to talk to uncle leo and tell him my side because i knew they would talk about us daughters... i was always hoping uncle leo would voice my concerns to my dad hah... and i'd try to talk to him about issues he was having with the girls when they couldn't understand each other.
so my cousin's right when she says the world has lost a great man... many people loved him and many of us counted on him for so many things... i hope he knows how much we all appreciated him. his heart was so big and just tried to take in more love than it could carry... things just won't be the same without him...
... and i'd like someone to know that if there was ever a time i needed someone that understood me more than anyone now is that time.... i've asked barely anything of you and i've been your support through your trying times... i've never needed anyone so much as i've needed you and you are not even remotely close to being available... which is crazy being that this past week you're even closer to my area than you normally are... i'm in this limbo where the person that calls is never the person you'd wish would call...and people don't say the things you'd wish they'd say... and people who were once familiar faces seem so foreign to you... i'm not even saying i need you 'in that way' but as my friend... but i suppose i should prepare myself to realize that you'll think that is too much to be asked of you because it might be too much for you. i guess i'll just have to be ready for that...
thank you everyone that has been there though... i might be a bit distant with everything going on but you're all in my thoughts always...
i am so tired...