Matchbox 20- Look How Far We've Come, Akon- Locked Up, Allanis Morrisette- I'm A Bitch, I'm a Lover, Destiny's Child- Survivor, Eskimo Joe- From the Sea, The Corrs- Runaway, Robbie Williams- Sin Sin Sin, Tom Petty- I Wont Back Down
Movies
Cast Away, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Zimbabwe, Harold and Kumar escape from Guantanamo Bay, The Tracker, Rabbit Proof Fence.
About me: I was born in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe to an Ethiopian women and a South African women with the help of a Swedish man in 1976. I attended school till the ripe old age of 8 until i was jailed for setting fire to my teachers dog, this was my greatest achievement in my early years. Jail finally gave me a place to live and stability that i was missing.
In 1994 at the age of 18 when i was on day release to attend my cross dressing, one legged, Mexican grandfathers funeral i decided to flee to Australia (this is where the story gets disturbing). With not a cent to my name and being 50km from the nearest bank i decided to steal my grandfathers coffin during the funeral, and use it as a raft. I had to smuggle my way into Mozambique, hitch a lift across the country and enter the Indian Ocean. It took 2 weeks to achieve this and after 4 deaths, 3 hold ups, 53 bongs and 8 cartons of beer i was finally on my way to Australia. The trip was extremely rough and ruggged and with only the help of my grandfathers wooden leg to help steer the raft it was a very slow and boring experience. I had to make one detour and that was to China. After a few setbacks (regarding direction) I finally made it to China where I tracked down my aunty Zing Zang Dang Lang and off-loaded my grandfather. After about 2 years the smell was too much to bare. I continued on my way and then the day finally came in late December of 1996, i had reached my destination, Australia. There was only 1 person i knew in Australia and that was my Aboriginal buck toothed, overweight, knock kneed cousin, Crackatinny. After a couple days i tracked her down in outback Northern Territory, she was there teaching a group of young Aboriginal kids. These kids taught me a lot. I learnt how to sniff petrol the correct way to get the best possible outcome, i was taught how to spear animals and humans from 50m away, hotwire a car, play the didgeridoo and throw a boomerang. I lived with Crackatinny for about 4 years when i decided i was going to move to Sydney for a change of scenery. Once i reached Sydney i spent many a night sleeping on park benches, tips, abandoned cars and dog kennels. I survived mainly on road kill, the food leftover by homeless people (fuck that was bad) and dog food (I was the only person who could make a homeless man look rich). Then my luck turned, on a bitterly cold winters night in Northern Sydney i was honing my boomerang skills, when i launched the boomerang high and long around a building when for the first time ever it didn't return. I went running to the scene where i discovered to my horror i had decapitated a wealthy Lithuanian man named Linas. I panicked, stole his identity, dumped the body at my previous residence, the tip, and took all my belongings (didgeridoo, spear, boomerang, and half a possum) and moved into the Lithuanians mansion. Linas had his own Accountancy business and I had no other choice but to become an Accountant. I analysed, reported and gave advice on the financial dealings of organisations and individuals, and advised on associated record-keeping and compliance requirements. I had limited success with 26 of my 27 clients becoming bankrupt within a fortnight. My luck once again took a turn for the worse when i received a knock on the door. It was a 153 kilo, irritated, unstable Indonesian women looking for revenge for making her bankrupt. The next 130 minutes was the worst of my life, she sexually assaulted me, tortured me and belted the living suitcases out of me. She poked and prodded in places you wouldn't even dream about. The next day i was found nailed to a tree, stabbed 6 times and shot twice. The police said its the worst case of attempted suicide they had ever seen. I just wanted to end the nightmare right there and then but couldn't get the killer blow. I was rushed to hospital where i spent 12 weeks recuperating before getting transfered to a Mental Institution. I spent 5 years in the Institution where i was treated for depression, social anxiety disorder, panic disorder, agoraphobia, obsessive compulsive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder and emotional dysregulation. I met a bloke in the Institution who was 75% Aboriginal with a dodgy knee and who could still run like the wind. His name was Jayde Young. One night after i took my 177 daily pills I started hallucinating and me and Jayde found ourselves clean jumping over the Rabbit Proof Fence which locks us in, and we had finally found freedom. We were spear tackling animals, jumping oncoming cars and doing superman like feats. We made our way to down town Melbourne where we ran into an unlikely hero, Brendan 'Stubbmonaut' Stubbs. He was over from Tasmania in a car dealership scam which was netting him millions. We formed a strong bond and realised we had a lot in common and he offered us a free plane trip down to Tassie and we ended up staying at his joint that night. More to come soon.
Heyy BEN. It's Chelsea and Ren, Ben. What are you doing today Ben? Guess what Ben? We have a dj for out leavers party Ben. Hit it up BEN :) It'll be awesome BEN :)
