About me:

I'm a dazzling urbanite who sips vintage red Kool-Aid with only the finest GED educated aristocrats. I've counted to infintity twice, and my chief export is shag. Occasionally I like to double team girls, by myself. I sail mighty Titanics of metal in the sea of the auto junkyard from around my old neighborhood. My calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools me. I steal from the poor and give to the rich. I fish in the wishing fountains of local malls. I walk out of every fifth movie I attend at the theatre. I owe Blockbuster $197.53 because I can't seem to find that copy of "Ernest Goes to the Beach" I rented back when I hung with those hippies. It's no use crying over spilt milk...unless that was MY milk. Oh you are so screwed. I'm too cool for school, I make you want to lala (whatever the hell that is) and I didn't vote for Bush. I went to school to be social, and the clubs to learn. No wonder I thought V.S.O.P. and GOP were related somehow. I win games of Connect 4 in 3 moves. Me and my boy Dandu can fix minute rice in under thirty seconds... yeah hate, you haters. I do not tea bag the ladies, I potato sack them. I have a pet Grey Goose, and a Wild Turkey, both given to me by Jose Cuervo. I feed them 99 Bananas. My Uncle Jack Daniels and I went SKYYdiving from Captain Morgan's plane over Malibu, then spent the night at Jim Beam's crib in Parrot Bay. His butler Mr. Belvedere makes a mean flapjack. I play the minute waltz in 15 seconds... then give erotic sensual massages with my toes. Trust me you'll love it. Back in '89 I discovered the secret to life but forgot to write it down. I am America's Idol. I've been around the world, and I saw Elvis, Amelia and the Loch Ness. They say Micheal's innocent. He made 'Thriller'!! Your attraction to me in no way affects your sexual orientation. I participate in full contact paper football. My ride of choice is a Big Wheel with spinners. You can't touch me, I'm so fly. I've played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. I dust mud off my shoulders, and strippers tip me. You know who I am. Tony Tescadero. It's a celebration. Enjoy Yourself, bitch! and by the way, I was never addicted to alcohol. Alcohol was addicted to me. VISIT MY YOUTUBE!!! http://www.youtube.com/Tescadero