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DISCLAIMER: Material which appears here may or may not make any kind of logical sense and may or may not possess any inherent value or importance. Void where prohibited. Offer not valid in Nebraska, Chad or the Federated States of Micronesia. Discontinue use if rash develops. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Hat sold separately. Part of this complete breakfast. Chances of winning one in two hundred octillion minus the square root of negative two raised to the power of pi and placed in a small box. Store in a cool, dry place. Doodle doodle dee, wubba wubba wubba.

Meanwhile, however, the title of this section is "About Me," which sounds like a wonderful opportunity to indulge in a little unabashedly narcissistic, egomaniacal self-aggrandizement! Oh my, but where to begin?

Well, let's see. I am a carbon-based form of life, in that respect not unlike a Tanzanian Thompson's gazelle or a clam. In fact, genetically I am 93% similar to an oak tree (96% after 10 P.M.). I rarely travel faster than the speed of light (although I will make exceptions if someone I know well has been boxed up and I have cause to believe that shipment is imminent), I find molybdenum additives charming and I once stopped a runaway bulldozer with a well-placed asterisk. On Tuesdays I give gutters undeserved compliments. I am a three-time high-velocity subterranean soap-embroidering champion and have won international acclaim for my hip, avant-garde technique of doing basic arithmetic using only colors and smells.

I enjoy a good omelet, but not as a food -- only as an example. I believe that no man is an island, but I've met at least one woman who is an archipelago. To me, days of the week are like coins in a jar: if you pour them out into a canal all at once, they will make a big, loud splash before sinking immediately to the bottom. Seeing life as I do, as a glorious pageant, a grand adventure, a rich and complex tapestry of interconnected events, I think the most important and ultimately beneficial thing we can do is nap quietly. I continue to be haunted by the vague sense that despite the worldwide popularity of its current incarnation, someone got the basic design of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich horribly wrong. I always hyphenate my compound modifiers and I understand the difference between a contraction and a possessive. There are two kinds of people I can't stand: bigots and Oompa-Loompas.

My personal motto is, "I would rather be hated for being who I really am than loved for pretending to be something I am not." But it is equally accurate to say that I would appreciate being given large sums of money to do either.

I believe one should never date a person who is considered legal tender in any Eastern European country. I suffer from a panoply of debilitating physical complaints, including rum fits and the inconvenience of occasional explosive leprosy. I have received a great deal of attention from medical science due to my one anatomical peculiarity: any time an E flat minor chord is played, instead of a left clavicle I have, for several minutes, a few dollars' worth of oranges. (Interestingly, the opposite is also true.)

I have never been invited to the annual Spring Triceratops Boogie. I can levitate objects with my mind, but only those objects already prone, by nature, to levitation. Sometimes I hide spare socks inside dormant volcanoes. My friends and I are the only ones who know that the numbers 14 through 27 are in the wrong order. Are you still reading this? Holy crap, that's incredible. I quit paying attention half an hour ago.

I would like to conclude with the words of Woody Allen, who observed, "he who loveth wisdom is righteous, but he who keepeth company with fowl is weird."