So there were these one-eyed mole people in cheap suits, and they were crowded into my apartment, and they were demanding that I sign over the rights to my blog for 15% below market value.
And I had no Orangina.
Now, I can't tell you why the mole people wanted the rights to my blog, but I would guess it has something to do with my friend Effny, who's an MPIE - a mole people in exile. Maybe they didn't want me further publicizing her one mole person show, Sunny Days From Now On?
Or maybe they just didn't want Dark Horse to publish my blog as a part of their upcoming ArchEnemies trade paperback?
Whatever their reasons, I didn't feel comfortable with a swarm of one-eyed creatures from the center of the Earth milling around my apartment and growling at me.
I tried to give them the whole, "Why don't you leave me your card and I'll think it over," like I did with the men in suits from the DHRAD (Dark Horse Rights Acquistion Department), but the mole people weren't taking no for an answer.
They started to get a little physical, knocking things over and grabbing Princess A by the arm. I yelped, while Wormhole Head Luke hunched over and started rummaging through our recycling.
Seemed like a weird thing to do at the time, but the dude has a wormhole for a head. Maybe that makes you more socially conscious.
Anyway, just then my cellphone rang. It was one of the men from DHRAD. He said, "Don't worry, ma'am. We'll be their in two minutes."
So I asked, "Two minutes? Where are you calling from?"
"Two minutes in the future."
Some folks just can't be rushed.
So for two minutes I knew we were on our own. And by this point, the mole people were DEMANDING that I sign away the rights to my blog. They had the contract and the big quill pen and everything.
And I was ready to do it. I really was. But then comes Luke with a bottle of tequilla over his wormhole/head, and he smacks it down over the leader's skull.
In the movies, bottles always break when you hit someone like that, but apparently in real life they just make a loud KLONK sound. And then he hits the mole person that's holding Princess A. And then he hits another mole person who's just standing there. And then he chucks the tequilla bottle through his wormhole of a head, and it hits a mole person on the far side of the room in the back of the head.
And the mole people get the idea. This bottle just won't break. And every time it's that same horrible KLONK sound. Plus, Luke's head totally breaks the laws of physics. So they book.
And by the time two minutes rolls around and the Dark Horse guys show up, I am more than happy to sign their contract.
Look for exclusive excerpts from my blog in the ArchEnemies trade, which should be available in stores and online by the time you're reading this.
And, for the record, Princess A has agreed to "grab a coffee" with Luke, but I don't think she likes him that way...
...which is a shame. Luke's a real stand up guy/mutant, and I could use some romance in my life, however vicarious.
About three months ago, I was visited by four men in suits. These were big, serious men with sunglasses and black ties and grim expressions. I found them waiting for me in my living room when I got home from work. Apparently my roommate, Princess A, had let them in.
They were lawyers.
As it turns out, they work for Dark Horse Comics, which is the company that publishes ArchEnemies. They work in something called the "Right Acquisitions Department." Basically, it's their job to track down Hellboy or the Goon or Conan the Barbarian or whoever and get the permissions necessary to turn their lives into comic books.
All of which has zero to do with me, but they were big, scary guys with - if I understand correctly - a time machine, so I figured I should hear them out.
Apparently, Dark Horse wanted to excerpt this blog as part of their ArchEnemies trade. Why? I'm not really clear. But these guys were very, very, very, very serious about it.
Of course, they were also very, very, very, very serious when I asked them if they wanted anything to drink. And when I told them that all I had was Orangina. And when I told them that the only clean cups I had were my vintage Muppets Take Manhattan slurpee cups. And when I offered them pink bendy straws.
(They politely refused the bendy straws.)
Anyway, they offered me "an amount," and I told them that I would have to consult with "my people." I don't have people per se, but it felt like the right thing to say at the time. They left me their card and told me that they'd "call around again."
Then they - and I swear I am not making this up - exited the apartment through the window to a rope ladder to a whisper-silent helicopter hovering over our roof.
Later that night, my neighbor Luke (who has a wormhole for a head) came over to watch Veronica Mars with Princess A and me. Just between you and me: I think he has a little bit of a crush on the princess.
It's hard to be sure, because the whole "he doesn't have a head, he has a hole in space and time" thing makes it hard to read him. But he's always doing nice things for her like getting things for her off tall shelves and standing real still so she can stare through him and see the back of her head.
Anyway, right as the show's ending, I get a knock on the door, and who's there but an army of grubby, one-eyed mole persons, all hunched over and crowded in and squeezed into these tight-fitting, second-hand suits.
And they pushed past me, and they barged into my apartment, and they snarled at me as they explained that - I kid ye not - they also wanted to purchase the rights to my blog.
And I'm scared, and I'm confused, and I'm trying like mad to get my head around the situation. And the only words I can get out of my mouth are...
Today is my one year blogiversary! It was exactly one year ago today that I wrote my first ever blog entry. Which, okay, as far as one year anniversaries of things go probably isn't all that noteworthy. I mean, it's no "one year anniversary of the Berlin Wall crumbling" or anything. But then the Berlin Wall didn't let you add comments or assign kudos to it!
(I think! I was only nine!)
So it's been a year since I started blogging and, as some of you will no doubt point out, just about six months since my last blog entry. What's been going on in my life since then? Why am I back now?
Last year, my friend Drew bet me that I couldn't eat six donuts in under a minute. I could only eat five and a half, so Drew made me use this page to promote his first comic book series, ArchEnemies, which came out last Summer.
The "trade" comes out at the end of the month, so Drew challenged me to a rematch. But this time, I studied up! Turns out that if you submerge your donuts in water first, they go down much faster!! I totally beat him at his own donut-consuming game!!!
Take that, friend whose achievements I nonetheless admire!
Per the terms of the bet, I'm under no obligation to tell you about this ArchEnemeis trade. So why am I even bringing it up?
Well, there's a second part to this story, and it involves men in suits and mole persons from the center of the Earth (also in suits) and my roommate Princess A and my friend Wormhole-Head Luke and a surprisingly durable four dollar bottle of Tequila.
My apologies to any Canadians, Brits, Aussies, etc. who might read those words and feel left out. Consider this my belated and/or advanced best wishes for whichever day marks the anniversary of the day that YOUR rich, white land owners signed a piece of paper.
And to all the people from all the countries that never HAD rich, white land owners... well... Congratulations on that!
As you guys probably know, I haven't been posting much recently. Sorry about that. There are three big reasons why.
Let me tell you about two of them:
First off, I got busy. I came up with this cool idea for an art project that kind of snowballed and turned into this... this... well, I don't know what exactly. But I can tell you that it involves collage, and it involves doodling and, yes, it involves post-its. Lots and lots of post-its. (Or "sticky note paper" as a lawyer once advised me to say.)
Anyway, when I'm finished, the whole thing's going up in a gallery. Just for a weekend. Not in a BIG gallery. Not the MOMA or anything. Just in one of those cute little white spaces you walk by in SoHo.
It's been awesome, and it's been scary, and it's been a whole heapin' helpin' of work. But, all things said and done: "Yay!"
Second off, and you're just going to have to take a leap of faith and except this next part... The guy in the next apartment over from me had a weird baking accident and, long story short, his head was transformed into a living wormhole.
No joke. You look at him, and you can see the back of your head. Which is creepy at first, and cool once you're used to it, but ultimately a big hassle, 'cause it turns out the wormhole effect really screws with your internet connection.
So there's been that.
And please don't ask me. I don't know what he was baking.
And there's a "third off" about why I haven't been posting, but I'm going to keep that one to myself. For a change.
But don't worry. It's not that I'm sick or sad or that I'm really embarrassed about something. It's nothing bad.
It's just personal.
Now for the bad news:
For all those reasons, said and unsaid, I won't be blogging for a while. I'll pop online now and again, but I can't tell you when I'll be "back."
Before I go, let me just say "thanks for visiting." Let me say that life is good. My life is good. I've finally got a kickass roommate, and I'm finally doing something with my art, and I feel centered and powerful and happy and alive and...
Okay, I don't want to oversell it, because tomorrow I'm going to stub my toe and curse and scream just the same as anybody. I'm not smarter than you. I'm not wiser than you.
But I've had a bonkers, bonkers year. A year of baking accidents and vanishing boyfriends and thieving roommates and mole women and kittens with jetpacks and giant robot parts that fall from the sky. And if I've learned anything, it's that the world is as strange and wonderful and beautiful as you let it be.
There are those moments... those glorious, precious moments... where we see more.... where we become more.
Hold onto those moments. Don't forget. Please don't forget.
The impossible happens every day.
(The final issue of Drew Melbourne's ArchEnemies series will be in stores later this week. Check out the official site for previews.)