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THE END were founded in a much simpler time - in an age where beer was often as cheap as the women they enjoyed. And although they have undergone many changes over the years, none of which to do with their sexual orientation, they continue blindly on with their impeccable ear and fondness for a good tune. And on.

"SO WHAT ARE THEY DOING RIGHT NOW?” I hear you whine with that really annoying little voice of yours! Well, today, ANDY and ALAN, are still the band's two-man (obviously!) songwriting team - they write the songs that make the hole worm - they continue to write, record, perform and argue nearly every day and are, for all intense and purposes, currently working on a new CD. They have a massive backlog of new songs waiting to be recorded, when Alan can be bothered to learn now to use his 16 track recorder!

"But what of MARTIN?" Well, he moved to Wales and grew infeasibly large sideburns which are a fire risk. I have been reliably informed that Martin's "burns" are one of only two man-made objects that are actually visible from space - the other being the Great Berlin Wall of China of course. When relaxing, Martin likes nothing more than to pop open a nice bottle of red wine, light a few candles, draw a hot bath and then slip into a Megadeth gig.

BAZ still performs as a solo artist in his own riot and even finds time to write songs in his very spare time. He can be seen at ALL the finest Karaoke bars in Essex, still belting out "I'm A Believer" in very fine style... even after a few beers - in fact, especially after a few beers! He has been told on more than one occasion that he is much better than The Monkees who, to this day, have never performed in Romford.

PAUL, a band member for one gig, has installed the Reason music package on his Mac and now spends every waking moment nodding his head in time with an electronic pulse. He has recently taken up alcoholism and a wife.

The whereabouts of BIG JIM is a complete and utter mystery... at least it was, until recently! He was allegedly spotted performing mime at a local pub-like venue. Although that is probably just another one of those unsubstantiated rumours... because, like Elvis, he probably still works at the chip shop, according to Kirsty Maccoll.

All of which brings us pretty much bang up to date! Sadly, Martin's Garage was recently torn down by developers, but at least there was a statue of The End fully erected in its place! Many fans still gather there today to lay flowers and each other and daub offensive graffiti on nearby walls and old ladies. The same big ice-cream man stops nearby on hot summer days... dunno what Big Jim works as for the rest of the year though!

Of course, their music goes on and on to this very day, which is Wednesday - and proudly, with their back catalogue of errors and over 100 selfishly composed songs (and still groaning!), THE END look likely to continue right into the NEXT century - defying medical science fiction and that!

Hope you've got plenty of time to spare and, most importantly of all, a working set of ears.

THANKS FOR LISTENING!

THE END