JessKa~Insanity & Love~

About me:

I'm cooky & cranky spontaneous and occasionally depressing. But its me, it will always be me. I have low self-esteem with a mild ego...constantly making no sense except to myself and those who seem just like me. I'm a whiz kid and an idiot. A walking contradiction but I like it that way. I love movies music and photography yet the only talent I have is to be aesthetically appealing to the ones doing the actual work.Even when I want to do the work myself. I let it go...I have severe hang-ups and despite my outside personality inside the world scares me just enough to keep me locked in a box. Which may be for someone elses benefit...or at least I keep telling myself that.I'm told that I'm beautiful but I don't believe that...sometimes I do but I'm too used to the way things were when I was made fun of to take anything like that seriously...I always think its a set-up and that I'll soon find out that it was just some elaborate joke to see my reaction. And most times I pretend to believe but like I said I really don't. I wonder sometimes how different I would be if I hadn't have been such a chicken shit about things in my life. But then again there were sometimes when I was the bravest one in the room. I enjoyed those moments because it made me feel alive and in complete control of everything going on around me. However recreating these moments have proven to be fruitless. And when I had the opportunity to I didn't and that's why certain events in my life took place. I don't blame anyone else anymore. I blame myself for not being bold. For not saying FUCK YOU when I should have and for spending time chasing people who pretended not to love me only out of fear of their own demons. And for staying with the ones who were far to desperately in love with me to fully understand the true nature of it. For letting myself fall prey to the beatings verbally and physically by someone who was only hurt by a past that was slowly coming back to haunt them and they could not handle it. I forgive them for the damage they've caused only because I know that if I had a little more courage then I wouldn't have even been in those predicaments. I wont call myself a failure when it comes to life because I haven't even begun to start on the path that has actually been set out for me. I consider the past as a series of trials that helped to shape me the way I needed to be to fully understand where Im going with my life. And trust me after all this shit...I think I can handle it. Thank you to the beautiful let downs in my life. To the one I loved who held me in the highest regard of his heart. You showed me how to forgive no matter how deep it hurts. Thank you to the man who raised me and shrank me down to size when he was hurting because you showed me how to hurt in more than one way. Thank you to the women who Ive always considered to be a role model in my life and who I want to be regardless of your trespasses and adulteries because you showed me that love takes more than just forgiveness of the past. That even sometime revenge whether unplanned or not can prove a point whether or not he gets it is up to him. You showed me peace and how to forgive yourself for the things you've done in your life. To the ones who spent their childhoods with me you showed me how friendship has its ups and downs and regardless of it all those people are the real family that you'll never forget. To my siblings who were there through it all you've shown me so much throughout our whole lives and even though I may still be bitter with you about things in our past or if I feel overshadowed by your constant success in life I will always be right there by your side no matter what. Regardless of the fact that half of you don't know me as well as you hoped to or intended to the point is that you had good intentions and hopefully I taught you that not going through with them can sometimes have great effect on your life as well as others. Despite all the broken promises I would still love nothing better than to grow the bond that we never got to share regardless of family past and dramas. We're the same even if we don't want to be. We are mothers we are married women and we even think and act the same from time to time. We will always have that...I just wonder now what else do we share? To the one who vacuumed up a part of my life and turned it upside down, I forgive you the most even though you have scarred me for life you've shown me how a heart can hurt so immensely that it is never forgotten. And that most desperate of acts is never a cry for help but for mercy on your weary broken heart. All of you have made huge footprints in my life shaping my directions in life and thus making me the person that I am...and through it all I weathered it. Proving to myself that I can handle whatever lays ahead of me. Thank You, The willing unwilling

Celebrity Morph by MyHeritage

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MyHeritage: Celebrity Morph - Geneology - Dynasty