OK, I do have a few hobbies: homicide, extortion, kidnapping, arson, espionage, torture, ultraviolence, mutilation, cannibalism, fraud, perjury, propaganda, blasphemy, larceny, embezzlement, hypnosis, mind control, alchemy, divination, idolatry, church burning, abortion, euthanasia, bloodletting, human sacrifice, conspiracy, corruption, government overthrow, mayhem, Armageddon, and especially revenge.
I also enjoy basket weaving when I find the time.
Music
Nowadays everyone says "I listen to everything." Just answer the question, coward. Stop trying to please everyone and show an opinion for once. I will. Here are my all time favorites songsmiths:
Kids Incorporated. Jem and the Holograms. Rockapella. Barbershop quartets. Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time". Hulk Hogan's "I Want to Be a Hulkamaniac". Chris Gaines (Garth Brooks's "alter ego"). David Hasselhoff. William Shatner. Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch. Kevin Federline. Right Said Fred. Vanilla Ice (both his rap days and his nu-metal reincarnation). New Kids on the Block. Zack Attack. California Dreams (it was basically Saved By the Bell if they were in a band). The Party (the Disney Channel's answer to New Kids on the Block). 1980s charity supergroups. Tiffany's Mall Tour of 1987. Hanson. Prince. The Partridge Family. Debbie Gibson. Abba. Milli Vanilli. Kris Kross. Poison. Every hair band that ever existed. The entire decade of the 1980s as a whole. Wesley Willis. The Kids of Widney High. Wham. John Tesh. R. Kelly's "Trapped In The Closet" series.
Movies
Here are the movies that are mentioned so often that I think you are required by law to mention them: Taxi Driver, Trainspotting, Natural Born Killers, The Crow, Napoleon Dynamite, American History X, A Clockwork Orange, etc.
Rather than list the movies you are supposed to mention in order to sound cool, I'm going to be the first honest person on Myspace and admit the movies I really love: Gigli. Battlefield Earth. Waterworld. Barb Wire (Pamela Anderson's movie debut). My Little Pony: The Movie. The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. Ernest Saves Christmas. Short Circuit 2. Look Who's Talking Too. Jingle All the Way. Who's That Girl? The Little Mermaid. The Hulk. The Blair Witch Project. The Police Academy series. Howard The Duck. It's Pat: The Movie. The Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation. The Santa Clause. Men In Black. Wild Wild West. The Warriors. Any movie on Lifetime. Sweating to the Oldies. All workout videos in general. Any movie starring Steven Segal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolf Lundgren, Madonna, or Eric Roberts.
Television
Isn't this where you're supposed to be cool and claim that you don't watch TV? When did the greatest invention in the history of mankind become so uncool? Everyone who claims they never or rarely watch TV is a liar. Inevitably I later catch them talking about a TV show, to which I reply, "I thought you never watch TV?" They always seem to have a few "exceptions" they neglected to mention. I'm proud to declare that I am a TV junkie. Here are some of the quality shows that all you "too cool for TV" hipsters are missing out on:
Murder She Wrote. Xena: Warrior Princess. Clarisa Explains It All. Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? Small Wonder (the couple who had a robot daughter, to replace their real daugher who died). Inside the Actors Studio. The XFL. Hollywood Squares. Any show on E!. The last few years of Saturday Night Live. Baywatch. QVC. C-Span. The Weather Channel. The color bars when they do "This station is conducting a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test." The 24 hour yule log fireplace on Christmas. The snow on channels that don't come in. The first 5 minutes of a movie that they show on Pay Per View before it turns off and you have to pay to see the rest. And I didn't even get to mentioning any reality shows yet.
Books
Reading is for losers... wait a minute, the internet is sort of like reading, right? But MTV style, with pictures, sounds, flashing images, flashing half naked images, advertisements, and hyperlinks for short attention spans. From now on I am going to refer to the internet as "extreme reading." It's my phrase, don't rip it off.
Here's some "old school reading" I do: Sweet Valley High. The Baby-sitters Club. Highlights magazine. Choose Your Own Adventure. The Berenstain Bears. Nancy Drew. Where's Waldo? Coloring books. Pop-up books. Books that require 3-D glasses. Tiger Beat. Seventeen. Reader's Digest. The Guinness Book of World Records (did you ever actually "read" that, or just flip through it?). Cigar Aficionado. Charles Darwin (his comedy novels are hilarious, aren't they? Men descending from apes, ha!). Harlequin novels. Especially ones with Fabio on the cover.
I'd also put Harry Potter, except that people wouldn't think it's a joke, since a lot of adults actually do read them for some bizarre reason.
Heroes
Me.
First runner up: Lando Griffin
Second runner up: Turkmenbashi, the President of Turkmenistan.
Honorable mentions: Pat O'Brien. Chuck Norris. Gary Busey. Max Headroom. The Micro Machines Guy. Crazy Eddie. Knee High P.I. Garden gnomes. Danny Bonaduce. Oprah Winfrey. Gary Coleman. Bobby Brown. Carrot Top. Michael Jackson. Every politician that ever lived. Lucifer. Judas Iscariot. Karl Marx. Saddam Hussein. Kim Jong-Il. Comical Ali. Lynndie England. Johnnie Cochran. Screech. The Naked Cowboy. Guys with mustaches. People who have a Macintosh and feel the need to constantly tell you about how they are so much better than PCs. Rich girls who are ugly but try to cover it up by wearing thousands of dollars worth of designer clothing. Any band that wear T-shirts with their own band's name on them (I know a lot of good bands have done that, but I still need to call them out on that). People who pretend that emo music is good, as well as the entire "It's cool to be uncool" trend which has been reappearing in various forms since the 1980s.
New Shitty, capital of "The Rock", Rockland Co. NY
Body type:
8' 2" / Body builder
Ethnicity:
Black / African descent
Religion:
Scientologist
Zodiac Sign:
Cancer
Smoke / Drink:
No / Yes
Children:
Someday
Education:
Grad / professional school
Occupation:
Decathlete. Street fighter. Prophet. Emperor. Liar
Income:
$250,000 and Higher
Saint Sean's Schools
Harvard University
Cambridge,Massachusetts
Graduated: 1990
Student status: Alumni
Degree: Ph.D.
Major: Aerospace Engineering (laymen call it Rocket Science)
Minor: Nuclear Engineering
Clubs: I only attended Harvard for two semesters, because that was all it took for me to earn enough credits to graduate. I set a school record for earning 104 credits in my first semester of college. "Senioritis" kicked in during my second semester, so I was a bit of a slacker and earned "only" 92 credits that semester. Also note the dates of attendance. No, that's not an error, I graduated when I was 10 years old.
Greek:
Lambda Lambda Lambda
calendars, runway shows, women's magazines, fitness mags, life drawing (that's a euphemism for nude drawing, for you non-artists), standing next to cars on The Price Is Right, and rent-a-dates, if you don't want to look like a loser at your prom
World reknowned for shaking my maraca while playing the maracas, until Shakira ripped off my signature move, minus the instruments. Master of triangle, accordian, cowbell, keytar, air guitar, kazoo, spoons, finger snapping, and singing in the shower
Available for bachorlette parties, birthdays (I can jump out of the cake, if desired), sweet sixteens, bat mitzvahs, baptisms, family reunions, wedding anniversaries, corporate picnics, and children's birthday parties
Saint Sean's Companies
Vandelay Industries latex manufacturing company, often confused w/ Honorable Judge Arthur Vandelay US Architect importing/exporting, although we're thinking of quitting the exporting, and just focussing in on the importing
my coworkers call me T-Bone, Koko, or Gammy
Saint Sean busy murdering Posted at 4:07 PM Jul 18, 2007 view more
About me:
Saint Sean
Ste. Sean
St. Sean
Ste Sean
St Sean
Contact Info: Email - For various computer über-nerd reasons which I will not bore you with, I despise the MySpace mail system, so please use my email address instead. MySpace mail is okay, but email is preferred.
AIM - Sanctus Seanus
Voicemail - 646-485-1525
The Rules: Feel free to send me a friend request, subscribe to my blog, etc. For some reason, a lot of people flip out when a stranger tries to add them as a friend. Get over yourselves, people. If you're looking for privacy, the world wide web is clearly the wrong place.
Introduction:
Ah, MySpace. The epitome of 21st Century narcissism. It combines all the self-indulgent tools of the internet in one place: email, instant messaging, photo albums, blogs, calendars, your own personal webpage, groups, bulletin boards, .. dating, classified ads, music, games, videos, and so on. And in addition to the normal page view counter on every webpage, there is also a friend counter, so you can show off how popular you are to the world. What else do you need? For those looking for porn (the first true internet vice, ever since the early days of the internet), the pictures on a lot of people's pages are bordering on it. Now all they need to do is add gambling, fantasy football, and file sharing, and then Myspace will have every single internet vice in existence. Don't be surprised if one day it even has local weather forcasts, stock tickers, news updates, and all those other similar services they put on webpages but no one ever seems to really use.
Disclaimers: This profile has been rated R (Restricted) by the MPAA (MySpace Profile Association of America) rating system. Under 17 not admitted without parent or guardian.
Disclaimer: In case you haven't noticed by now, this page is highly sarcastic. I'm also a bit of a prankster. With this in mind, please do not take anything on this page seriously. Yes, I am an 8' 2" black Swedish bodybuilder decathlete who got his Ph.D. from Harvard in rocket science and belly dances in his spare time. But I fibbed about my income. I really only make $225,000 a year.
Disclaimer 2: Please don't interpret the "St. Sean" pseudonym to be an attack on religion. I don't hate God. I only hate you.
Latest News: For my latest publicity stunt, I am now giving away free autographs. This is not a joke. Just send me a message and you will receive an autograph from St. Sean, free of charge.
Usually people start off their "About Me" with the typical, "I swore I'd never take part in this, but my friends convinced me to," etc. defensive speech. Yes, at one point I said that too, just like everyone else. Stop thinking you're better than everyone else. You're just as big of a loser as everyone else, join the club. Besides, everyone seems to be on this nowadays, so it's not as pathetic as it used to be. But don't get me wrong, it's still pathetic. Nerd.
So how would I describe myself? In a sentence, the coolest person you will ever meet. But don't become too starstruck in the presence of greatness. After all, I am in your extended network (is there anyone where it doesn't say they are in your extended network?) I was born on the streets, grew up in the hood, and was educated by the school of hard knocks... OK, I'm really just a middle class white kid from the suburbs. But no, I don't think I'm black, like every other white kid from the suburbs. What do I do with my free time? Nowadays I've been spending a lot of my weekends hanging out with a couple of lesbians, believe it or not. And they're the kind of lesbians you'd see on Howard Stern, not the kind you'd see on a golf course on "Flannel Appreciation Day." It's pretty cool because they're just like hanging out with guys: they like good music, drinking, dirty jokes, cars, all the typical guy stuff. Oh, and they also make out with other girls too, I almost forgot that part. When a straight woman hangs out with gay men, she's called a fag hag, so what do you call a straight man that hangs out with lesbians? I don't think a word for it exists yet. Probably because I don't think there are too many other men that have been in this situation before. (Aren't lesbians supposed to hate men?) So I'm trying to come up with a clever catchy name for it. A dyke mike? A hag fag? A milf (Man I'd Like to be Friends with)? I haven't come up with a name that I'm satisfied with yet. If you have any suggestions, let me know. For now I'm just a reverse fag hag. But probably the best word to describe the situation is "awesome." What other guy wouldn't wish to be me right now? I guess the only bad side is that not only do they outdrink me every night, but they also kiss more girls in the bars, and come home with more phone numbers than me. Even with the straight girls. Which just seems to prove my theory that every woman deep down inside is bi, they just may not have realized it for themselves yet. Like every legitimate scientific theory, my theory even has an equation to prove it: girl + alcohol = lesbian.
update: Lately I've been noticing a new phenomenon: lesbians becoming straight when they're drunk. I've witnessed this several times recently, with several different girls. So a more general form of my rule would be to say that whether a girl is straight or gay, alcohol turns her bi.
update 2: I knew there had to be a word for it. Thank you Daniella for enlightening me: dutch boy
Favorites: favorite beer (domestic): Ever try "Milwaukee's Best"? You'll quickly realize why it's the cheapest one on the shelf.
favorite beer (imported): That Japanese beer with the samurai ninjas on it.
favorite liqueur: Absinthe
favorite liquor: Black Death Vodka. (It was banned because people thought it looked like a bottle of poison.)
favorite mixed drink: Bacardi 151 mixed with Everclear. No ice. Nothing else.
favorite sex position: when the girl is passed out
nicknames: "The Body", "The Three Legged Man", "6-Pack Abs", "Perfection"
celebrities people say I look like: Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Leonardo Di Caprio. Actually, people say I look like Edward Norton. Which is pretty cool, since he usually plays psychos in movies. So it's like watching home videos of myself on the silver screen. Besides, I'd much rather be compared to him than someone like Ryan "Fantabulous" Seacrest.
MySpace clichés to do list: - Do surveys on a daily basis, and post them as bulletins for everyone to see.
- Change name/profile photo on a daily basis. Yes, this confuses people, but it also says, "I changed my page, come look at it, tool."
- Promote your band, art, book, etc. (It's the grassroots way to the people, man.)
- Send the "add my friend/band/friend's band/random stranger I don't even know" bulletin to everyone of your friends.
- Lie about age, height, weight, etc. (100 years old? You don't look a day over 30. How do you do it?)
- Mention inside joke that only 2 people on Earth will get.
- Add "the MySpace photo." (you know what it is, the digital camera self portrait using a mirror) Bonus points for not turning the flash off, making the picture indecypherable.
- Add photo of you drinking (sadly, I already did this one).
FAQs: Do you work out?
Do you want to go back to my place?
Can I have your autograph?
Can I have your baby?
When you were a child, could have ever imagined you would become such a superstar?
Are you gay? You're too hot to be straight.
Can I have your phone number?
That was humanly impossible. How did you do that?
Can you give a speech at my child's school?
Why is it that you're such an asshole to me, and yet I still find you so charismatic?
How is it possible that you're just so damn sassy?
Being a celebrity, do you feel like you live in a glass bowl?
You've saved the world, again. How can we ever repay you?
(and finally) Sean, are you ever serious about anything?
Guest Appearances:
I've started to give guest lectures at a few churches across the country. If you are interested in booking me to speak at your place of worship, just send me a message.
i
don't know if you are going to be around on sunday, june 28th; but
N.A.S.H. is playing in a battle of the bands at the school of rock in hackensack;; if chosen as the winner,
they get to open up for all american rejects, boys like girls etc at
six flags. i have to sell 50 tickets by then. if you can come out that
would be SICK! if you cannot, we would all appreciate it if you could
still donate and buy a ticket since ticket sales are a factor in
winnning: http://www.ticketweb.com/t3/sale/SaleEventDetail?dispatch=loadSelectionData&eventId=1768894&REFERRAL_ID=tmfeed
