Let me tell you... I'm a pensioner, I get fuck all off the state because I diddled my Tax & NI throughout my life. I live in a one roomed bedsit (which is paid for by a local charity who make me do odd jobs for them (very odd jobs, ask Mrs Fairbrass what she had me do 'for' her last month?)) with a kettle and a computer. I live off Pot Noodle & Happy Shopper Digestives.
I don't have any friends (they're all dead, or nearly dead lying in a gutter somewhere), no family. I use my internet (my only concession to modernity) to find obscure diseases and take myself off to A&E for a couple of days in a warm bed and a meal. Failing that I smash shop windows and hang around waiting to be arrested, a night in the cells is divine, and if I'm lucky a couple of months in Strangeways - I don't mind being someones 'bitch' if it means I get hot food. Which reminds me, on top of my woes I have piles and a prolapsed rectum!
Other times I have to prostitute myself down the Darby & Joan, or Luncheon Club. Rich, and not so rich, widows & spinsters pay me for my affection, but I can only do this for a short while after being released from gaol, cos I tend to start stinking of piss & shit after a few of days - hey! Colostomy bags don't grow on trees. Although the local Lloyd's pharmacy are introducing a bag exchange next year, so hopefully things will look up a bit then.
Besides, getting jiggy with octogenarians ain't fucking easy (you should try it), even harder if they have no lube in the house, and my spit ain't what it used to be. There was this one old trout, I can't recall her name, but she had Laura Ashley chintz everyfuckingwhere. Well, she wanted me to... no I can't tell you, too traumatic... another time maybe, when I can afford the vodka to get me through it...
Anyhoo, as I was saying, you lot are on easy street, you fecking wussies...
#1 son is punting his new forum; BlackpoolNow, oh and Benchism Org!
