Bret Van Horn

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.. Bret started his life out by disproving Einstein's theory of relativity at infancy. Bret's discovery™ was quietly swept under the rug by an overzealous babysitter and forgotten forever.

When he was two, he invented the Sun™. It was hailed as the greatest invention of all time™, but all accolades were quickly forgotten when lawsuits ensued over the Sun not having a disclaimer attached to warn people about the inherent dangers of staring directly into it. That, and the whole Skin Cancer thing.

Bret then turned his attention towards writing every song™ ever made, but quickly soured of this when the Internet™ (which Bret also invented™) made the sale of music obsolete, thus sucking away all of his royalties.

Completely broke and destitute, it would then be Bret's greatest accomplishment to write the novel of the century™ using only a magenta crayon and candy bar wrappers found in the gutter. This would be the novel that would cause people to drop to their knees in ecstasy upon merely placing their hands upon it. The blind would suddenly see again. Victims of paralysis would walk again. Men and women alike would become sterile simply by looking at it. World peace would be realized. Most importantly, male pattern baldness would be cured.

Sadly, the book was published under the pseudonym of Reginald Chauncey Von Feeblebunny, who unfortunately, also happened to be a real person. As it happened, Reginald was the inventor of the FlowBee, the cause of the Ebola™ virus and a pathological liar who orchestrated the fall of the Roman empire. He was also the creator of The View. The book was quickly and quietly recalled and burned en masse.

Bret now lives a quiet life* in the small Southwestern Washington town of Washougal where he speaks in an Olde English iambic pentameter, adorns himself with rare gems, always wears a paisley ascot and relentlessly smokes a corncob pipe, much to the dismay of his friends and family. He is married and has two ingenious, beautiful and dashing children who are sure to change the world with their own charms and inventions. Bret still writes and plays music once in awhile, manages to spin a yarn or two in his free time and owns a small, brilliant creative agency with his wife.

When asked, Bret says he does realize that most people lie about themselves on the Internet, but he swears and maintains that every last word of this is all one hundred percent, irrefutably and undeniably true.



* He's still bitter about the whole Sun thing.


It should also be noted that Bret has played in each of the following bands at some point or another:

Hutch
The Zero State
The Bearfighter
Failtaker
Reduction Method

And a bunch of others...

Best. Cover. Ever: