About me:

Why hello there. I'm Patrick. I love coffee. I hate mushrooms and pickles. I suffer from severe insomnia. I am better at arguing than you. You are better at dancing than me. I can't sing for shit. Chances are, you'll think Im strange.I am a sarcastic fuck. Fat girls asses in bikinis look like a hundred pounds of chewed bubble gum. There is nothing sexier than great conversation. I'd rather try to get smoke inside of a glass bottle using a baseball bat than listen to someone complain. Fat baby animals like hippos and walrus's make me giggle like a 5 year old school girl. I wish I was a Ghostbuster just so I could say "I'm a ghostbuster" when asked what I do for a living, then step back and cross my arms like it was 1992. I believe in treating people how you want to be treated. I brush my teeth with hot water. I am a sucker for motivational quotes. Going to church doesn't make you any more a Christian than going to the garage makes you a car. I pee in the shower. I am busier than a one legged cat trying to bury shit on a marble floor. Materialistic people crack me up, because they actually think they are happy. Thinking that we are the only ones in the universe makes you nuttier than squirrel turd. I don't watch too much tv. I once taught a horse to read my emails for me. I DON'T skip the first piece of bread. Maury Povich "You are not the father" episodes rule. I love seafood. I wish I had green eyes. American Psycho and Silence of the Lambs should be in the comedy section of Blockbuster. I think the *LEEDS* mattress guy SHOULD be beat. I have to watch TV with the remote in my hand, or else I feel like I'm swimming with one flipper on. I grind my teeth when I get nervous. I can slam a revolving door.I work well under pressure. Pop Up Video should NOT have been canceled. People need to realize that *reality* shows are SCRIPTED. I don't read novels. Saying "thank you" and "please" is extremely important. texting and myspace have lowered peoples social skills. I pretty much live for music and comedy. Shallow people are worthless. I am an island of reality in an ocean of diarrhea. I don't take networking internet sites seriously. I'd rather go to a rave than see some shitty local band. If you let your friends drive drunk, you have no soul. I think shit-talking on the internet is about as useful as trying to kill an elephant by throwing a tic tac at it. 35 year old guitar center employees that still think their band is gonna "make it" crack me up. I love people watching at bars. People look funny when they're mad. I WILL beat you at a game of tetris. The fact that Bill Paxton was killed by an Alien, the Predator, AND the Terminator should AUTOMATICALLY qualify him for an academy award. Holidays are over-rated. Dave Chappelle is a viable GENIUS. I love the beach. I'd like to watch Gary Busey and Rosie O'donnell grind each other on a dance floor to a Billy Ocean tribute band. I love coconut flavored anything. Laughter can cure more than you think. Fast food is so bad for you, but sooooo good. Screamo type music sucks...it just DOES. The El Pollo Loco chicken tacos have changed lives. Spell check is one of the best inventions next to the wheel. Some of the best songs ever came from the 50's and 60's. I love when I take a dump and it hurts so bad that I have to summon the porcelyn gods to fire off the mighty dung spears emerging from my musty shithole and pretending that they're lil' demons. I can give a better Blue Steel than Zoolander. If you started smoking after high school, you're an idiot. I don't give a fuck about your band. I have 5 cats and 1 dog.Paul Walker is about as good of an actor as Keanu Reeves.....no, YOU think about it. I wish I could use the Jedi mind trick on people. A 1968 caddy is the best car EVER. Having sex, making love, and straight up fucking are three different things.I think humans should fling poo at each other like monkeys do when they get angry. If you don't dress up for Halloween, you are lame. The "25 year old balding/comb over jacuzzi mcdougal", and the "Drunk white girl who can't dance" are the best people to stare at while at a club. Money doesn't impress me. Morning sex when you both have dragon breath is just awesome. I love pouring creamer into coffee and watching it mix. If I worked at the 3am drive thru of a del taco, I'd spit in your food too. Songs are more important than bands. The best way to hit on a girl at a bar is to order her a "Gorilla Fart". I wish Sgt. Hartman from Full Metal Jacket was my dad. I wonder if the Devil listens to shitty bands like Fall Out Boy. The Geico caveman and Jack Links Messin' with Sasquatch commercials are GENIUS.There will never be another Johnny Cash or Elvis. I can't believe you just read all of my rambling....*fags*