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TOO LAZY TO FUCK

There comes a time, every once in a little while, sometimes at breakfast while chewing my Muesli, on other occasions catching me unawares while reading a book, when the sudden awareness kicks in that, for some inexplicable reason, I haven’t done “it” in a while. Just like that, out of the blue – the thought hits me, my brow furrows and I think “Man! It’s been at least six months…” Or longer. And I realize that somehow, amidst all the chaos and confusion, I just forgot to have sex.

Hmmm. The problematic! And now that the seed has been sown in my mind, I can’t seem to get rid of it anymore; regardless of what I do or where I go, everything suddenly reminds me of how sexually inactive and abstinent I’ve been. I turn on the TV to watch a thriller… half and hour into the movie, in spite of three unsolved murders and a killer still on the loose, the main characters have sex. I try to read a book about mountaineering…. Mt. Everest base camp at over 6000 meters – it’s minus 20 outside but hey! – two journalists are having sex. A friend of mine comes to visit. Guess what he did last night??? Yep, he had sex.

I start considering the possibility of joining a monastery or starting a little colony, with myself at the head as the Guru of New Age Asexuality. I will proclaim to all the world that I have set aside my primitive sexual ways and have started to practice intercourse with my index finger. I will preach to my followers about the wonders of “finger sex”, – “Genital sex is so messy!” I will call to the masses. “In an ideal world we will be able to reproduce through our fingers! No more leaking cum, no more impractical menstruation! Our fingers will be equipped with the necessary reproductive organs to execute painless and cleanly procreation – no one will ever need to suffer through another disgusting birth or walk around nine months with a bloated belly again. Our fingers will lay tiny eggs that we can leave at home until they hatch! Whoever said that live births were an evolutionary advancement?! Menstruating fingers don’t need tampons or large, uncomfortable pads – all you need is a little bandaid! ” Finger sex itself is simple and direct. Gone will be the days of clumsy attempts to unhook a bra. You just touch fingertips with your partner, anywhere, anytime. Fear of discovery, hidden sexuality – all of these elements will be a thing of the past! “Finger orgasms,” I will declare. “Are much more intense than those people now experience through their genitals.” I will take one of my followers from the crowd and demonstratively hold out my finger. “Come,” I will command him. “Let us do it!” He will, of course, hesitate at first, afraid as he is of this newfound world of modern sexuality. But his finger will rise to meet mine and then, slowly, gently, our fingertips will become one, on my face a look of utter ecstasy and gratification. He will probably just stare at me, his expression one of utter confusion. “Did you not feel the waves of lust wash over your body?” I will ask him, pulling my finger away. “Uh,” he will stutter. “Um, no… I didn’t, um..sorry…uh”

“Did you take part in my seminar?” I will demand.

“Uh, um, no….”

“No wonder! How do you expect to experience the wonders of advanced sex if you do not believe? In my seminar you can learn the techniques of finger sex and all it has to offer,” I will turn to the crowd and raise my arms. “Yes! For only 1000 dollars, you TOO can delve into the world of modern sexuality and leave your primitive ways behind!”

And the crowd will cheer with approval.

Ah yes. In an ideal world….. But to get back to this one – here in the realm of primitive genital intercourse, I am left with only a few options. And so I resign. Yes, I am a slave to my instincts. At least to some extent. So I decide to be a little more vigilant the next time I’m on vacation, to keep my eyes open in the bars and clubs. With a few very interesting exceptions, it’s usually reduced to the same procedure. Hunting. Lurking and waiting for your prey until you’re ready to go in for the kill. Playing that age old game of cat and mouse. I suppose if I make it to be 80, you’ll find me hanging out at the nearest graveyard, armed with a watering can, prowling the graves while keeping a lookout for sexy widowers.

If they haven’t invented finger sex by then.

FIND THE BODIES! THEY ARE HIDDEN HERE SOMEWHERE! HOW MANY ARE THERE?

Exclusion Zone consists of myself, Templar. I have always dreamed of being an author and while I was thinking up my stories, I usually composed a soundtrack to accompany them in my head. Or drew pictures.

FAVORITE NEW ARTIST:

ZiteX

Influences? Well, actually I don't have very many. I like James Newton and James Horner and Carmine Coppola. But I don't know how or want to sound like them. SPECIAL THANX TO:

Oomph!AND: