"...I’m not sure what it is about the Bad Boys from Boston that gets my hackles in such an instant state of erection. No, that’s a lie. I was just trying to sound pensive and equivocal to disguise the way I’m completely biased against them. In truth, I know exactly what I hate about Aerosmith: everything. I passionately and justifiably hate their music; they’ve produced an incalculable number of terrible hit singles. Too many to count. One would have to express their bad-song output not as a simple number but as a percentage of all bad songs. Somewhere around seven percent, I reckon.
For a jarring reminder of their accomplishments, check out Steven Tyler’s humble little ode to himself in the Guitar Hero press release: “Any band that can go from ‘Don’t Want To Miss a Thing’ to the ass-kicking ‘Sweet Emotion’ to the cheekiness of ‘Love in an Elevator’ to the classic ballad ‘Dream On’ shows why Activision chose us to headline this game based on the diversity of the Aerosmith catalogue.” Again, speaking of tortured English . . . any band shows why what, now?
As a concept, they’re the most potent image of artistic bankruptcy that you could ever hope for, and their existence drags down rock as a whole. Aside from their numerous, well-documented offenses against taste and credibility — their reliance on gross pop songwriters like Diane Warren and Desmond Child to pen their testicle-chilling, near-identical power ballads, for example — they’ve come to embody one of the sneakiest archetypes of worthless rockers: the elder statesmen. Look for that term in any article about a critically derided band who’ve stuck around long enough to earn grudging, strictly-by-default respect. This “if you can’t beat ’em . . . ” attitude has allowed too many godawful acts to snap out of their cocaine stupors and find themselves performing at their own Hall of Fame induction ceremonies, and we can’t let it happen again.
It’s exactly this elder-statesmen reputation, in fact, that puts Aerosmith in the perfect position for Guitar Hero. Their longevity makes them appear credible to the naked eye, and their stockpile of well-known tunes makes them a good draw for gamers who don’t really know jack shit about rock.
For Activision, they’re heaven-sent. They’re big enough to create press-release earthquakes whenever they shake hands with a suit, and they’re loose enough to accept money from pretty much all comers. They’re recognizable to all ages, inoffensive to most demographics, and completely fucking for sale. Their shameless history of selling out makes them gorgeous to suits who need a house band for a big-money project where music is mostly irrelevant: Super Bowl halftime shows, car commercials, Target commercials, Gap commercials, camera commercials, blockbuster-movie soundtracks, and whatever else pays. They’re a commodity, and you can buy them this summer for your favorite home gaming console.
Postscript: I’ll admit, however, that the Guitar Hero concept is a lot less retarded than Aerosmith’s previous video game. For those too young or lucky to remember, the band lent its name, music, and likeness (and anything else that was for sale) to a preposterous 1994 arcade game called Revolution X, in which the player was asked to defeat a dystopian government that had outlawed all music and video games. (I’m not sure I’d mind.) In the process, the player could earn extra points by rescuing the kidnapped members of Aerosmith — which put them in the ignominious “Princess Peach” role. I played it, and it was as bad as it sounds...."
- David Thorpe 2/26/08
Ya'll dudes keep asking us if we have any merch left over. We don't. Check out the webstore on the 1917 Records website, or some neato shit we've got up on MerchNow. Sa'll here:
Sick edited video of Won't Change for Me from Alpine, 1-13-2007
Video from MassArt, 12-2-2006
ONE OF THE LAST CALI SHOWS, Chain Reaction 1-12-2007:
Pre-orders of our debut 12" is up NOW on Reflectionsrecords.com. 9 songs, 13 minutes, so you know what to expect. The first press is limited to 500 copies, don't miss out. It's time to put European Straight Edge back on the map!
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