TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey Name: Jim "The Carrier" Norton Birthday: every day LOLOLOLLOL Birthplace: dropped unceremoniously onto a bath mat during a coughing fit Current Location: closer to a grammar school than allowed by law Eye Color: bloody-stool brown Hair Color: brown, speckled with thick, cakey dandruff Height: tall enough to get on the rides at Coney Island Right Handed or Left Handed: tug with my right, bag tickle with my left Your Heritage: my Irish great-grandmother was teabagged by a Hun, which by default makes me a silly goose The Shoes You Wore Today: patten leather with a buckle, like Shirley Temple used to wear Your Weakness: an invalid laying sideways with her mouth open Your Fears: that I will be overheard making the Yummy noise glancing at an older gentleman in a rest area men's room Your Perfect Pizza: oven crusted with lightly seared placenta, covered with flamingo vomit Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: I'd like to stop needlessly kicking retarded people Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: "Your ass looks amazing in those diapers" Thoughts First Waking Up: "Who is this strapping Negro?" Your Best Physical Feature: my taint Your Bedtime: 10 minutes after my tranny movies end Your Most Missed Memory: being face down in a pillow with whiskey being breathed into my face from the side by my uncle Pepsi or Coke: hot dog water MacDonalds or Burger King: MEAT IS MURDER! Single or Group Dates: I prefer single dates and group scat parties Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: whatever kind Jim Jones drank
Chocolate or Vanilla: ice cream is for queers
Cappuccino or Coffee: ice lattes, because they help get the logs moving
Do you Smoke: only when babysitting
Do you Swear: yes, I frequently tell people to "buzz off" and "go jump in a lake"
Do you Sing: I tend to hum Lionel Ritchie songs while I'm being raped Do you Shower Daily: I prefer to have dogs lick the sweat off my balls and neck Have you Been in Love: never with a girl Do you want to go to College: learning is for queers Do you want to get Married: yes, to Laci Peterson Do you believe in yourself: I didnt until my only Son was crucified by Pontius Pilot Do you get Motion Sickness: only when riding fat girls Do you think you are Attractive: yes, when compared with burn victims Are you a Health Freak: I take my AZT cocktails every day Do you get along with your Parents: I did until I killed them for insurance money Do you like Thunderstorms: yes, because they cause youngsters to huddle under my covers Do you play an Instrument: I play spoons and the rape whistle In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: no, but I've purchased it for minors In the past month have you Smoked: a salmon and some almonds In the past month have you been on : cialis In the past month have you gone on a Date: do prostitutes count? In the past month have you gone to a Mall: yes, to buy my grandmother an athletic supporter In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: why would I eat a box full of black people who act white? In the past month have you eaten Sushi: no, but I store it in my girlfriends underpants In the past month have you been on Stage: yes. In Mexico, with a donkey In the past month have you been Dumped: yes, on my chest In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: twice in a kiddie pool In the past month have you Stolen Anything: 2 babies and a prosthetic testicle Ever been Drunk: one night while driving Billy Martin home Ever been called a Tease: a cancer patient once called me that while I dangled morphine over his face Ever been Beaten up: on a playground by a group
of concerned parents Ever Shoplifted: I smuggled a gerbil out of the store without using my hands How do you want to Die: I want to be sawed in half while felching Jack Klugman What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Dominican drug lord What country would you most like to Visit: Wyoming In a Boy/Girl.. Favourite Eye Color: black and blue Favourite Hair Color: golf course green Short or Long Hair: chemo whispy Height: under 4 feet Weight: 75 pounds and willing to vomit Best Clothing Style: torn off Number of I have taken: what in Sam Hill does this question mean? Number of CDs I own: 3, all Huey Lewis Number of Piercings: both nipples,but accidentally Number of Tattoos: either a tear drop on the face or cartoon characters on her crotch Number of things in my Past I Regret: 5,679