Chef's dad:
Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness monster?
Stan:
No, that's okay
Chef's dad:
Ooh! It must've been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat you see, all alone at night, when all of a sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the paleolithic era, comes out of the water
Chef's mom:
We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat and I said "Thomas, what on earth is that creature?!"
Chef's dad:
It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes...
Chef's mom:
Oh it was so scary!
Chef's dad:
And I yelled, I said "What do you want from us monster?!" And the monster bent down and said "I need about treefiddy"
[silence]
Kyle:
What's treefiddy?
Chef's dad:
Three dollars and fifty cents
Chef's mom:
Treefiddy
Stan:
He wanted money?
Chef's dad:
That's right. I said "I ain't giving you no treefiddy you goddam Loch Ness monster! Get your own goddam money!"
Chef's mom:
I gave him a dollar
Chef's dad:
She gave him a dollar
Chef's mom:
I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar
Chef's dad:
Well of course he's not gonna go away! You gave him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more
Chef's dad:
And that was the third time we saw the Loch Ness monster. Then one time, I believe it was July...
v
Chef's mom:
August
Chef's dad:
August, there's a knock on the door. I open it, and there's this cute little girl scout
Chef's mom:
And she was so adorable with the little pig tails and all
Chef's dad:
And she says to me "how would you like to buy some cookies?" And I said "Well, what kind do you have?" She had thin mints, graham crunchy things...
Chef's mom:
Raisin oatmeal
Chef's dad:
Raisin oatmeal, and I said "We'll take a graham crunch. How much will that be?" And she looks at me and she says "I need about treefiddy"
Chef's mom:
Treefiddy
Chef's dad:
Well it was about that time that I notice that girl scout was about eight stories tall and was a crustacean from the palezoic era
Chef's mom:
The Loch Ness monster
Chef's dad:
I said "Dammit monster! Get off my lawn! I ain't giving you no treefiddy!" It said "how about just twofiddy?" I said "Oh now it's only twofiddy?! What is there a sale on Loch Ness munchies or something?!"
Chef's mom:
Boy he was angry
Chef's dad:
Damn right I was angry
Chef's mom:
Not you, the monster. He was about to kick your ass!
Chef's dad:
Shut your mouth, woman
Chef's dad:
And then these aliens had me up on their ship, right. They was probing me and all that
Chef's mom:
We had taco salad that night
Chef's dad:
Don't matter what we had for dinner woman! Now this alien had a big head and big black eyes, and it was all bent over me. I said "What do you want from me alien?!" and do you know what he said?
Chef's mom:
Treefiddy
Chef's dad:
Let me tell the damn story now! He said "treefiddy" And so I realized I that it wasn't no alien, it was that goddam Loch Ness monster again trying to trick me into giving him treefiddy by dressing up like an alien. Don't that just beat all?!
Chef's mom:
I just given him treefiddy the week before
Chef's dad:
What?! You gave that monster another damn treefiddy?!
Chef's mom:
He tricked me
Chef's dad:
Well no wonder the damn monster keeps coming back to our house! You keep giving it treefiddy!
Chef's mom:
[running with a stick]: You damn monster! Get away from my baby!
Chef's dad:
[reaching into his pocket]: Hold on! I'll see if I have treefiddy
