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I am widely regarded and considered by most in the know to be the most important and influential human being that has ever lived. Mostly when you discount the millions of people more talented, respected and revered. Other than that? I'm like right up there. Especially if all those remaining people die tragically. Or I kill them. Or both. I'm not picky. Or sane.

I am a freelance writer by day, and a super hero by night. I wear a domino mask with my regular t-shirts and jeans, and still, no one recognizes me. This is how this shit works. Domino masks are all you need. Or reading glasses. No one traces the batphone either.

I have been writing for 7+ years and specialize in humor, parodies and sexiness, which I radiate like something that's radioactive and thus sexy. Or something. My "specialty" is pop-culture, celebrities, and last but not least, Professional Wrestling. Stop mocking me. Sure, *most* people my age may have grown out of their childhood hobbies, but those people are just busy making money and being responsible and serving a purpose on this planet. They're not all cool and awesome and desperately lonely like me.

That said, I have fully embraced my perpetual immaturity and quasi-nerdiness and have made a living off of reporting/scrutinizing/parodying the world's greatest sport featuring dudes play-fighting in underwear; to the point where I am now INFAMOUS, and have even had my life threatened by one The Ultimate Warrior. Seriously. He talked to his hands for a half hour then swore death upon me via what I imagine will be a flurry of shoulder-tackles and big splashes. Luckily for me, I've since trained myself in the art of ducking clotheslines, so, I'm safe. For now.

In my life-time, which I've convinced myself--much like God himself-- has no comprehendible beginning, I've written or penned or typed or delivered via courier pigeon thousands of columns for many newspapers, magazines and websites around the globe, the Crab Nebula and the general reaches of the known galaxy where I was read by dozens millions-- then forgotten about completely.

Luckily for me, however, for my great troubles and efforts for YEARS of SERVICE in slaving over a keyboard, and solving the complex Rubik's cube that is HTML, I have been voted favorite writer by way of Planet Earth 4 straight years. (2003-2007). It's a truly great and monumental honor that I calculate to have a monetary value of exactly zero dollars. It's very exciting. And depressing.

In any event, as a (un)professional freelance writer, I am available for hire for a virtual cornucopia of journalistic works and endeavors. I'm also tremendously good at keeping secrets. In fact, I still have OJ's other glove, the knife and the real pair of Bruno Magli's. I'm a rock. I'm telling you. So, whether you've killed an ex and their respective companion in the restaurant trade and need a man with no morals to lie for you and preserve your freedom in the face of grisly murder so you can golf and plan complicated heists; or if by chance you belong to, or are represented by a reputable magazine, a not-so reputable magazine, website, or are just looking for a screen-writer to put your mishmash terrible clusterfuck of a movie into context, I'm definitely your man, and can be contacted for potential employment and constant praising and hugs HERE. You won't regret it. Much.

Also, if you are interested in acquiring my services to run or create a website for you, for which I have 6+ years experience under my belt, well, fuck you. Seriously. I'm sick of doing it. If there truly is a Hell, it has to feature Satan making you format html and javascript all day. Sulfur is for pussies. But hey, if you *insist* on trying me anyway, well, make me an offer and we'll see how long I'll ignore you for.

I also have 6+ years experience as an editor, making thousands of other people's columns and works actually intelligible, but truth be told, I would sooner be willing to be shot in the face with a bullet filled with AIDS, and then puked on by the Ebola monkey than to add anymore burden to that fucking workload, so you can fuck yourself there, too. Seriously. But hey, if the price is right, I may reconsider. I'm like a total whore. Only I still have self respect. And can go to the bathroom without certain parts of my anatomy stinging profusely or changing strange colors. Somewhat.

Also, as the owner, proprietor & slave-master of the perversely successful www.thewrestlingfan.com site, if you are looking to have a product reviewed (I have vast experience reviewing DVDs, CD's, videogames, etc.); or maybe you just want to advertise with our site, which reaches millions of people each year, contact me HERE, and we'll try and work something out. I'm also up to doing so in exchange for free goods. I'm silly like that. Plus, gifts come in handy around Tax-season. (Let's just pretend I actually claim all my earnings~! Shhhhhhhhh).

EVEN MORE, ABOUT ME, ACTUAL REAL-LIFE SEAN CARLESS:

So, ya, that's all there is to know about BUSINESS SEAN. But that's not all! Chances are, in the last few paragraphs, I've only promoted stuff that you might not even care about! And instead you might see the boyish smiling visage at the top of my page and say "I'd rather like to know what he's about!". Well, the sad truth is, I'm about nothing. I have no principles or scruples or values. In fact, I thought when news came down the wire that Patrick Swayze had a few months to live, that'd it pretty fucking funny to make a new "Ghost" movie poster that read "Coming Soon!" See? Exactly.

That said, I'll now let you in a little bit on the REAL Sean Carless, and not the clone I send out to do my groceries and various worldly tasks.

-To finally put to rest the rumors I'm sure you've never even thought about before, I am not actually Carless. And yes, I've heard every joke there is. Yet, I always have to roll my eyes when someone makes a crack about my alleged lack of vehicle like no one else has ever thought of this ultimate fucking witticism before. YES, YOU'RE THE VERY FIRST. I imagine the only person to truly know my pain would have to be someone with the last name Handcock. Luckily for me, unlike them, I don't necessarily have to debunk any scandalous rumors as to what my ancestors did for a living.

Oh, while we're on the topic of names, my middle name is actually "Harry", but as a child, not wanting it mixed up with the other connotation "hairy", I convinced many classmates that the ubiquitous "H" on the teacher's roll-call actually stood for "Han Solo". True story. Unfortunately, I was never able to convince my brother Mike to pretend his middle name was Chewbacca, so to perhaps become the COOLEST FUCKING PEOPLE EVER. He failed to see how infinitely awesome, and not painfully nerdy that would be. Maybe it's because he realized he would only be allowed to wear a strange metal sash and nothing else, and just basically growl and mumble a lot. I don't see the problem, personally. I've spent the last 10 years doing this in my spare time. Minus the sash.

-I am a slave to any and all Entertainment mediums. From movies to music to videogames to comics to pro wrestling to discreetly--yet tastefully-- video-taping my neighbors teenaged daughter from high above the trees, I am unapologetically immature and likely headed to any early grave sans an heir to teach nothing of any redeeming value to. If it involves sitting still, doing nilch, and generally adding nothing of any significance to society as a whole, I pretty much embrace it with all my heart. Or half my heart, since I'm pretty fucking convinced that's all that's working at the moment.

-My Native American sign of the Zodiac is WOLF. My rising sign is BLITZER. And together, combined, we create reputable news and trusted political correspondence.

-I am Canadian, which of course means you think I always wear a toque, live in an Igloo, and pour maple syrup directly into my mouth straight from the bottle. Sadly, the "Igloo" is the only stereotype not true. But only because it was an unseasonably warm winter and it melted.

- I probably say "LOL" on MSN messenger too much. And I hate myself for it. I used to be a "haha" type of guy, but I finally sold out. However, if you ever see me write "LMAO" or the much more objectionable "LMFAO", you have my permission to punch me right in the soul.

- I have never pumped my own gas in my life. I refuse to do anything wherein there's a service where you can pay to have it done right. The part where I laugh, point and throw small bits of change at them is purely spite, though.

-I am actually an ordained minister. Seriously . In 2005, I was ordained by the obscenely reputable institution known as the Universal Life Church. This allowed me to then practice Godliness in the whole of North America, and even erect my very own church. It's My Mom's garage. It's something. Sometimes she brings sandwiches on Communion. It's great. Plus, finally, I have a legit reason to dunk people underwater. I just tell them it's a "baptism". And not, umm, well, my lawyer said I shouldn't finish this part.

Anyway, apparently, the only ritual *forbidden* to me as a legal agent of Jehovah, is to perform circumcisions. And well, I'm not losing any sleep over that. Not that handling penises is something that causes anyone insomnia. But hey, it's probably for the best. I've never been too fond of genitals not belonging to my person.

-I've actually worn socks with sandals once. FUCK YOUR RULES~! It was comfortable. I am taking a stand against any and all Clothing Elitism. Whilst sitting. In socks. With sandals. Without pants. That part's a bonus.

-I once had a box of old wrestling videos mistakenly labeled "PORN" to throw lady friends off. And somehow they have found this more comforting than the reality of hundreds of hours of Hulk Hogan. MY SECRET IS OUT.

- I once ate EVERY MEAL at Taco Bell for an entire year. It was the greatest year of my life. I was like that dude from Super-Size Me, only I didn't physically disintegrate and die inside. Maybe it's a McDonald's thing. Maybe it's advanced stages of Cancer. I'm not too worried.

- Many online are convinced that I may in fact be an alcoholic or a drug-addict or both. But I lean more towards just being "insane". God has given me the gift of making the most absurd observations without the need of any vices. Although, I'm still an alcoholic and a drug-addict. But that's just for fun.

-I am a great barbecuer. I'm telling you! God has blessed my hands with the ability to create delicious charred meat and heal the sick and lame. Or maybe just the first part. If you're a Vegetarian, and this revelation offends you to the point where you would like to bury me up to my neck in soy, while dumping paint on me, to try and teach me a lesson on MURDER and save already devoured animals whom now line my stomach like a badge of honor, let's just pretend instead of "meat", I said umm, Zucchini? Sounds about right. All I know is, for a group that hates meat so much, why do they insist on creating things that taste like meat? I mean, soy burgers? It's like lesbians with their dildos. THEY'RE SHAPED LIKE PENISES. I have a penis. You can use that. I'm even willing to sit real still, make no sound, wear a Rosey O'Donnell mask, and just let you both bounce off of it a while, if only to just to save you the trip to Radio Shack for batteries like with the alternative. I'm a giver. Clearly.

-I, much like every writer out there, am currently in the process of writing scripts that will likely never see completion. But rest assured, it's the best thing you've never read in your life.

- For the last ten+ years I have meticulously saved my money, so I could be at a point where I can currently enjoy a life of leisure. I'll think of you while I sleep until 4 pm tomorrow. But not really.

- I once placed a want-ad in my local paper for a Wizard, just to see who'd apply. One guy did, and I felt justified.

- I love long walks on the Beach. Ok, this is a lie. But hey, everyone else is lying, too! I've been to the beach. Where are all these fucking people aimlessly walking around? Shouldn't we all be bumping into their awkward asses all the time? No one is walking there. You're all filthy fucking liars.

-I love absurdly stupid comedies to a fault. Anchorman, Old School, Knocked Up, etc. I can't get enough.

- I hate musicals. They're ridiculous. I cannot buy people spontaneously bursting into song. One minute two groups of hoods are about knife fight, and then holy shit, here comes the JAZZ HANDS~! Good luck pullin' that shit of in a gang fight. Soft-shoe never stopped a Rumble.

- I have an addiction to online personality quizzes. Some might misconstrue that as ultimate narcissism, but those people are obviously not as important as I am.

-I like women who swear. I'm probably in the minority here, but whatever. I don't want to marry June Cleaver. Mostly because I think she's been dead for a decade. I want a Sara Silverman. Literally. I'm already circumcised. I at least know she'd be used to it.

- I write really pointless "about me" profiles. The End.

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