Read an excerpt from Simon Rich's new book, Free-Range Chickens:
Gotham City Hall
BATMAN: Thanks for taking the time to meet with me Mayor.
MAYOR: Of course, Batman. What’s on your mind?
BATMAN: It’s about the prison system. I really think you should increase funding.
MAYOR: We’ve already been over this, Batman. We simply don’t have the resources.
BATMAN: But Gotham City needs a maximum security prison. I mean . . . look at these statistics. (Takes out pie chart.) Scarecrow has escaped eleven times. The Riddler has escaped sixty-four times. The Joker has escaped four thousand times. It’s like, what’s the point of even having a prison?
MAYOR: I wish there was something I could do, but the annual budget’s already been finalized.
BATMAN: You know these guys are trying to kill me, right?
MAYOR: I’ll tell you what: I can transfer the Joker to the Asylum for the Criminally Insane. That’s a secure location.
BATMAN: Are you kidding me? That place is a freaking joke!
MAYOR: . . .
BATMAN: I’m sorry . . . I was out of line.
MAYOR: That’s all right. I know this is an emotional issue for you
BATMAN: I just don’t have any confidence in that asylum. Last month they released the Penguin and three days later he tried to kill me. I was able to capture him and have him recommitted to the asylum, but they released him again the very next day! He tried to kill me this morning. I barely escaped. He’s still on the loose.
MAYOR: Believe me, Batman, I sympathize.
BATMAN: Listen, I’ve been crunching the numbers, and if we eliminate the Gotham Symphony Orchestra, we can hire four extra guards and build a watchtower.
MAYOR: Batman, the orchestra is one of the jewels of our city.
BATMAN: I know, I know . . . but don’t you think we’ve reached a crisis situation?
MAYOR: It’s just . . . less costly to keep things the way they are. And besides, you can handle these guys! You’re Batman. You don’t need some fancy, expensive new prison.
BATMAN: Is that new? That flat screen TV?
MAYOR: . . .
(Phone rings.)
MAYOR: Excuse me, Batman. (Picks up phone.) Mayor Hayes here . . . really? Kidnapped? What did the note say? Huh…it sounds like some kind of riddle. Nah, don’t worry about the signal. He’s right here. (Hangs up.) It seems the governor’s daughter has been kidnapped.
BATMAN: Again? That’s the third time this month!
MAYOR: It sounds like the work of the Riddler. Apparently he’s . . . um . . . escaped from prison.
BATMAN: . . .
MAYOR: Hey, at least you’re already dressed, right? I mean, that saves us a call on the red phone.
BATMAN: You know what my red phone bill was last month? Eleven hundred dollars. That money comes straight out of my own pocket.
MAYOR: Do you want a key to the city?
BATMAN: I already have seventy-four keys to the city. I don’t need another key to the damn city. All I want is some accountability here.
MAYOR: I’ll tell you what: I’ll talk to that philanthropist, Bruce Wayne. I bet I can convince him to donate us a prison. That guy’s a real pushover.
BATMAN: . . .
MAYOR: You know there’s a rumor going around that he had a face-lift?
BATMAN: Really? Who’s been saying that?
MAYOR: (Shrugs.) Everybody.
A miracle
ANGEL: God? Can you help me stop this forest fire? It'll just take a few minutes.
GOD: Hold on . . . I'm busy giving this woman extra babies. I've already got her up to four.
ANGEL: Whoa . . . sir . . . no offense, but that looks pretty unhealthy.
GOD: What do you mean? She asked for babies and I'm giving them to her. It's a miracle.
ANGEL: I know, and it's very noble of you to answer her prayers. I just . . . I don't understand why she needs so many babies all at once. I mean . . . wouldn't it make more sense to space them out?
GOD: Hey, look, I got it up to five.
ANGEL: Aren't you at all nervous about medical complications? I mean . . . these babies will almost certainly be delivered prematurely. And if that happens, the risk of birth defects will--
GOD: Six! Check it out - six babies!
ANGEL: Sir . . . this is really impressive . . . but I really think you should focus on the forest fire right now.
GOD: One more baby.
ANGEL: Don't you think six is enough?
GOD: Seven's the record. I want to try to at least tie it.
ANGEL: No offense, sir . . . but I'm not sure if this is the best use of your time.
GOD: Trust me: people are going to love this.
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