Billy Mays
Position TBA

It was indeed a bit of a bummer to die of rectal cancer. When you consider the number of celebrities who've been killed by assholes, I find it rather ironic that I'd get killed by my own. ::laughs:: It's another pain in the ass to find out that Roman Catholics go to Hell! I felt like the butt of another Catholic joke, until I met Satan. He has taken the crown away from Anna Nicole Smith, and has crowned me Miss Hell 2009! Thank you Satan! For the first time, I feel like I'm truly blessed!

Farrah Fawcett, Miss Hell 2009
Miss Hell Organization

Heeeeeeeere's Me! Hey-O! I've made a long career on my "whiskey baritone," but I drink vodka! ::opens a bottle of his own brand "Ed McMahon Perfect Vodka" and shares a glass with Farrah:: People always thought that I good-naturedly endured Carson's jabs aimed at my drinking. No one knew that I would always piss in his martini. Johnny once described our relationship by saying we were as close as two people could be without being married. I told Johnny 'Yes, we can!' but California said 'No, you can't.'

Ed McMahon
Position TBA

When I first showed up in the Hell Admissions waiting room, Satan showed me that he had a hellacious sense of humor. He asked me to snatch the pink donut from his hand. I did, and then he asked me to snatch the Mint Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino® from his hand. I did, then he said, "Grasshopper, you can now enjoy your breakfast" and left the room. God knows, it feels GREAT AS HELL to be here!

David Carradine, Director
Hell Security

"Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?" I can honestly say that since I died, I've been in the WAITING ROOM FROM HELL! However, it's my fault. I refused to leave the Hell Admissions Office waiting room because I thought that this was all just a REALLY BAD TRIP!!! "I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me -- they're cramming for their final exam!" Now that I know I'm here, I still "would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood." "I'm not concerned about all Hell breaking loose, but that a part of Hell will break loose -- it'll be much harder to detect." I've been granted a special dispensation from Satan to be Hell's Comedy Director. It's now my job to keep everything FUNNY AS HELL!

George Carlin, Comedy Director
Hell Comedy

As many of you know, I invented LSD. Yes, I'm responsible for the '60's and 70's. However, I take no credit for the 80's. "After some time, with my eyes closed, I began to enjoy this wonderful play of colors and forms, which it really was a pleasure to observe. Then I went to sleep and the next day I was fine." After my final trip, I woke up in Hell! On acid, Hell is so trippy! Makes me feel like Alice in Wonderland. Nothing is the right size. (looks down at his penis) I've never seen so many poncho and Birkenstock-clad people before. I feel like I'm on the set of That '70s Show! The Lake of Fire is like billions of little lava lamps!

Dr. Albert Hoffman, President and CEO
Hallucinogen House Hotel
Lake of Fire Resort

I'm happy I wasn't annihilated and sent to heaven! As many of you already know, I'm the co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons. I've been called one of the fathers of modern fantasy, unfortunately that fantasy is responsible for thousands of kids never getting laid. Many have called me a great man of vision and creativity, but never a way to pick up chicks. I may have failed my throw against death, but after rolling for initiative and calculating my THAC0, I now live in the best fantasy world imaginable, my Journey's End. Hell is a place that this dedicated and extraordinarily lucky traveler found. Unlike D&D, Hell has a set of real winning conditions!

Gary Gygax, Director
Hell Creature Development and Expansion

Yes, "If it wasn't for Elvis Presley, there would be no Beatles." However, I find it ironic that Elvis would ask Nixon to ban the Beatles from entering the United States because of drugs. I'm not the one who died on the shitter all drugged up! (laughs) I once said that "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans." However, one day I just simply planned to go home! (laughs) George W. Bush is like a bad acid trip for America. "Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives." "Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn't argue with that; I'm right and I will be proved right." "If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace."

John Lennon, Executive Director
Hell Peace Alliance
Hell Department of Peace

"It's a shame Paul can't be here because he was the one who had the speech in his pocket." (drinks a glass of ice water -- clears throat) "The biggest break in my career was getting into the Beatles in 1962. The second biggest break since then is getting out of them." "I wanted to be successful, not famous." "When you've seen beyond yourself, then you may find, peace of mind is waiting there." (looks out window at the Lake of Fire) "It is better to be an outspoken atheist than a hypocrite." "Gossip is the Devil's radio." (Turns on E! Entertainment Radio on SIRIUS Satellite Radio) "As far as I'm concerned, there won't be a Beatles reunion as long as John Lennon remains dead." (checks pulse) "As long as you hate, there will be people to hate." "With our love, we could save the world." My final words... "Love one another."

George Harrison, Executive Director
Hell Love Foundation

One of the things I came to Hell for is the food! When I first got here, Satan didn’t tell me that I was supposed to just mind the sheep, and not eat them! (laughs) I can’t wait for John Gibson to get down here. With his own tube of Super PoliGrip, I’m sure many here in Hell would be most obliged to show him how much of a pain in the ass they can be! (laughs) I never understood what Jack Nicholson’s portrayal of "The Joker" had that mine didn’t. Well... I mean... other than a chance for a sequel. However, I’m in negotiations for being cast for the recurring role of Gabriel Martin in The Patriot II.

Heath Ledger, President
Hell Sheep Industry Association

Uniformed Dispatch Rider
Hell Continental Army

I said "If it's illegal to rock and roll, throw my ass in jail," NOT Hell! (laughs) "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you!" (looks out window) "Get stoned and worship Satan!" "Before I die, many will die with me and they will deserve it. See you in Hell!" You heard me Courtney, you gold-digging bitch!

Kurt Cobain, Director of Murder Victim Counseling
Hell Credit and Victim Counseling Services

It just so happens I get turned on by liver spots! (inflates a low implant on one of her breast with a portable air pump) For some reason people think I am this terrible person and it really hurts me to hear that. I am just doing the best I know how to. Nobody has ever respected me and done things for me and loved me. So when Satan came along, it was a blessing. He is the only person in my life who does not care about what other people say about me. He truly loves me and I love him for it.

Anna Nicole Smith, former Miss Hell 2007, 2008
Miss Hell Organization

I'm a proud Australian, a very, very proud Australian, but now I live in another land down under, and Crikey! We have real live velociraptors! Yeah, I'm a thrill seeker, and Hell is a dream come true! So, my tactic with conservation of apex predators has always been to get people excited and take them to where they live. Crikey! Go To Hell! Where the dinosaurs who eat the crocs rule!

Steve Irwin, Executive Director
Hell Zoo

Feeling nearly faded as my jeans?

From the coal mines of Kentucky to the California sun, Satan shared the secrets of my soul. Now you can share yours with me. Do you have an alcohol/drug abuse problem? If so, Hell's Pharmacy and liquor stores are open 24-Hours for your convenience!

Janis Joplin, Alcohol and Drug Counselor
Hell Clinical Services

"Truth is something you stumble into when you think you're going someplace else." "What is life but being conscious?" (Takes a hit off of bong) "And good and evil are manifestations of consciousness. If you reject one, you're not getting the whole thing that's there to be had."

Jerry Garcia, Director of Pharmacy
Hell Clinical Services

Seriously, getting around Hell has gotten much easier since I rolled out of bed and into Hell! I built and operate Hell's first mass transit system, the Hell Area Rapid Transit, or HART for short. HART takes the trauma out of getting around Hell. Our new state-of-the-art buses feature anti-rollover systems, and even a black ice avoidance system, for just in case if Hell ever decides to freeze over. Whether it's for eternity, or just a family vacation, Hell remains the Original Hotspot.

Cliff Burton, Transportation Director
Hell Area Rapid Transit

I don't sound like nobody.

"The only thing worse than watching a bad movie is being in one." (Takes a bite out of a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich) "The world is more alive at night; it's like God isn't looking." (Shoots his TV set) "I get sometimes; I get lonesome right in the middle of a crowd." (Pops some 'wake-up' pills) "Folks always look good in their coffins."

Elvis Presley, Food and Beverage Director
Hell Food and Beverage Operations

I'm one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time, one of the best singers and one of the best looking motherfuckers you've ever seen. Hold my drink, bitch. What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP! I wish I had more hands... so I could give those titties four thumbs down. Fuck yo couch, nigga, fuck yo couch!

Rick James, Hell's Pimp
Hell Escort Service

I was once on top, up top, (as a child actor) but then I became better known for my drug bust and trying to steal a 45-foot luxury yacht. I could have been a bigger success if the cops would have stopped trying to sell me heroin, and if I had not failed to untie the boat from the dock. Going to Hell is much better than my career in development limbo. I now have my own boats to steal!

Brad Renfro, President
Lake of Fire Yacht Club

Plan your family vacation in the REAL land down under, and create memories for a lifetime! Visit and explore Hell's 666 magical theme parks offering the best fun-filled attractions and entertainment available anywhere -- at any price! Lot's of hellacious fun to be had! Don't get burned at those knockoff amusement parks!

Satan's actually a pretty nice guy. I'm just this regular guy who watches professional wrestling, the History Channel, Science Channel, Discovery Channel, MTV, and CNN. Sure I rule hell and so on, but I'm not like the other guy, I'm approachable. I'm not all full of myself. I don't bogart the joint just because I'm the fallen morning star.


But even so, if you want to hang with me, you gotta follow a couple rules. They aren't commandments exactly, because I'm willing to overlook a few infractions, you know, out of neighborliness. Again, I'm not like that other prick, just keep 'em in mind is all I ask.

Don't kill people if you can help it. If they're bad people, Satan would rather have them out doing evil in the world. If they're good people, they go to heaven and nobody wants that.

If you must fuck with people, better to make them say "why God why?" than "God help me." Real torture leads people to find their Inner Strength and shit, petty meanness makes people lose faith in each other. It's better to hit their dog with your car and then drive away laughing.

Don't try to make the world a better place. I know this is a no-brainer but you'd be surprised the kind of goody two shoes want to be Satan's buds. Don't give money to Amnesty International or the NRA, or even the fucking Kiwanis club. Keep your cash for yourself, spend it on cigs and porn, put it in stocks, bonds, IRAs, who gives a shit. Anyway the world is pretty much just how Satan likes it, and if I want it any different, I'll tell you.

Don't try to tempt people to sin. It's a union thing, and believe me you don't want to scab on demons. Just kill puppies and leave the rest to the professionals. Oh, and don't get caught, asshole. You definitely won't do Satan any favors from inside a padded cell.

Excerpts of the roleplaying game "kill puppies for satan" are used by permission from its owner, D. Vincent Baker of Lumpley Games. Movie stills and publicity photos contained on this parody web page are used under the provisions of the fair use exceptions of Section 107 of the Copyright Act, Limitations on Exclusive Rights: Fair Use, (2) parody and satire. Other work that's not used with Creative Commons licenses, used by permission, or other granted licenses and rights for non-commercial, nonprofit, and educational purposes, or covered by fair use exceptions, are the sole property of the author of this page.



This page is an ongoing literary and artistic work, which was first published on Sunday, March 07, 2004.

This is the third version of the page since its original publication in 2004, and now proudly holds the distinction of being the oldest "Hell" and "Satan" still in operation on the MySpace Services. This page is NOW the #1 Freethought page on MySpace, and undoubtedly possesses one of the most unique and revolutionary themes of its type found anywhere on the Internet today.