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THE HARD NEBRONOMICON MYTHOS

According to the mythos of the isolated Nuttum tribe of east Africa, The Hard was said to have originated from the nebula Pheltnowt within a star system some 17.8 light years away from the epicentre of South Shields, Tyne and Wear, England. The earliest recorded depiction of The Hard can be found etched on hard cave walls at Lascaux, France estimated at some 12,000 years old and the earliest artwork of its kind. The drawings clearly show a primitive Man wearing a black and white striped loin cloth holding aloft a metal cup. It is thought that this is a representation of the last time Newcastle United won a major trophy. The original inhabitants of Pheltnowt were allegedly responsible for the genetic engineering of what is known upon Earth as the Geordie race. Their first experiment produced strange thick neck creatures speaking in an undecipherible language, their bodies covered in ink, smoke billowing from their nostrils and a breath smelling of a brown ale. Their heads were capped and their movement gyroscopic, hence their energy supply coming from the Giro. Thousands of years of evolution appears to have failed in any change of the race. In the first instance, these creatures were named the 'Gods' but through the fullness of Time the title has corrupted into 'Geordies' - 'Ge' from the Greek meaning 'earth', and 'Ordies' referring to their peculiar audio vocal. To moniter their progress on earth as a designer race, The Hard was sent as an emissary, falling out of a cosmic cracker to land on his head in Australia in 1956, the indent creating the world's largest crater. Whereas his descent was meant to introduce the concept of hardness to the planet, his entry into earth's alien atmosphere meant, rather like Supeman in reverse, he suprisingly and unexpectedly lost his hardness, this transformation causing problems with his newly acquired dense physical earth ego and relegating him from being Reet Hard into a retard, although providing him with the consolatory side effect of a fascination in pursuing tasty female newsreaders.. The Hard's contribution, as Ambassador to the Geordie race and their culture, has been to recommend to Government that as a work incentive all Geordies should only receive their unemployment benefits if they can hit a bullseye within three throws of a dart, and he was the instigator of another Geordie race, the national Great North Run marathon, whereby 50,000 Geordies are given a 100 yard head start before running the 15 miles from Newcastle to South Shields pursued by TV Licensing Officers and County Bailiffs.

THE FORMULAE

'There are conflicting legends concerning the origins of The Hard upon the earth, the hardest indicating that he may be a time travelling Hard Time Lord from the star Pheltnowt, in his HARDIS time machine. Some extremely hard scolars argue that his reported free fall to earth in 1956 was actually caused by his mother throwing him out hurling him into a parallel dimension and that The Hard as we know him from Channel 4's The Tube is, actually, as hard as he says. Earlier attestation attributes him with personal responsibilty for the extinction of the dinosaurs, having kicked them all in one Friday night after consumng approximately 500 gallons of beer. Other historical mysteries solved according to his influence is the building of the Egyptian pyramids, lifting the three million stone blocks into place whilst doing his weights - the Sphinx a representation of his hard cocker spaniel. Scrapping with his parallel dimension counterpart is alleged to have caused the inexplicable famous Siberian Tunguska explosion of 1908, a bang far more ferocious than the A bombs dropped at Nagasaki. In occult lore, according to the ancient text 'The Dead Wrong Scrolls' found in a hard cave in Mesopotamia in 1947, there is an alchemical invocation based on the Art of Whizzcraft and Blank Wajic for summoning The Hard into your kitchen. However, there is a problem with this dangerous undertaking. It is impossible. One further headache is the uncertainty of an unclear glyph in the original codex which makes it unsure as to wether a required ingredient is Bonnie Prince Charlie's bedsheets or an Ursula Andress bra from 1965. A transcript from the ancient Aramaic text is as follows; The pupil must first face the North East, and with a grasp of the end of his/her nose, stretch it out exaggeratively in a diagonal line whilst repeating the mantra 'Hoota, Beak, Conk, Sneck, Durante, Hooter, Pinnochio' over and over until a state of light headedness is achieved. Next, the pupil is to place in a pit boot the following items in this order - 2 dirty teatowels (brought to the boil) 1 cowboy boot (either foot) 1 tin of Tomato soup (454g) Bonnie Prince Charlie's bedsheets/ 1965 Ursula Andress bra To conclude the summoning the pupil is to then prounce the word 'ginger' in under 0.3 seconds. The ritual MUST be performed on the eve of a Newcastle united away win at Old Trafford.'